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  • Adam 9:31 pm on March 20, 2020 Permalink  

    I only come back here most times to look at past progress, to let myself know where I’m at and take stock. There was a time where I wrote in this every day and it was great therapy. I miss that sometimes. Don’t have much time, but broke up with martha, which helped motivate me to change jobs. I got a new girlfriend who is much more positive (michelle) and sometimes taxing because I’m still clawing my way out of depression. Still it’s nice to be partnered with someone who is thinking positive and optimistically. I think 2 severely depressed people can’t work or live well together. That’s the lesson I’ve learned, among others.

    Anyway more to come, but i’m alive.

  • Adam 10:22 pm on January 7, 2019 Permalink  

    Been quite a while since I blogged. I take that as a good sign. Life of course has it’s ups and downs but I wrote in here because I was burning up inside and had to spew out my emotions en masse on the daily. However, now in a stable long term relationship (Martha) and things are doing relatively okay. We both work a lot, and my new job keeps me busy but well paid. We have our own place and we even got a dog (Corgi).

    I come back here every now and again to see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished. I knew that someday I would push through to the other side and this wouldn’t consume me and wouldn’t haunt my every waking moment. I still see Carrie and honestly we’re doing better than ever so far. We’re actually becoming friends, hanging out on occasion, we had dinner a few weekends ago and had some good conversation.

    I have to admit there’s still feelings brewing under the surface. I can feel it like a big scab on an old wound. I know that if I pick just a little too much that I’ll re-open more than I can handle. But I know what makes today more bearable and relationships more bearable. My self worth is not entirely caught up in someone else. I love my partner and if she left I would be devastated but I would survive and I would handle it in a healthy way. I still stumble, make mistakes and do stupid things sometimes. Mostly I do what I’m supposed to do. I need to get back into working out and wrangle my finances. Those are my usual problems I suppose and I need to make sure they don’t get out of hand. They both frighten me and in the meantime I work and eat and sleep and play with the dog and spend time with martha. It’s good. It’s a good life and while I want to make it better. I’m not upset, I’m not anxious.

    I am sad. I am still sad when I dig into the center of me, but I think that’s just depression and too specific a memory. I know that when I look back at huge chunks of my life I still see failures. I see a lot more victories lately but I see so many failures behind me. I lack energy and motivation still. I’m working on that, with meds and health and so on. Most of the time I’m ‘fine’ but sometimes I’m still sad. When I see Carrie and then leave and then like 20 minutes later it still stings. it reminds me of so many things I left unsaid. Eventually they had to be left unsaid or I would never move on.

    I’m sad that it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m sad that I don’t think about her most of the time to be honest. I worry and I care and I love her, I always will. But I’ve managed to disconnect my life from hers and my success hurts just slightly less than all the failure before it.

    In the meantime. Seasonal depression took me last winter and really kicked my ass. I’ve felt like it never really went away and here we are back into winter again, so maybe it’s not seasonal maybe it’s just long term depression that needs more drastic fixing. It’s exhausting to think how hard I’m supposed to work to keep this at bay. Sometimes it’s just easier to give up for an hour or a day and live on the couch and sleep. I know that it’s making it harder in the long term but sometimes I need that. So it is what it is.

    Gotta run, dealing with a lot of dental issues but that’s a different story. Good luck readers.

  • Adam 4:43 pm on July 10, 2018 Permalink |  

    Quick update, winter has dragged on all the way through summer. All the working out has stopped, the new job is great and keeping me busy. Martha is moving in and so far that seems like a great idea, no issues, no fights, no drama. I’m taking a vacation soon and I really need it, I need to unplug, to meditate and to reset. So some things are great, and some things are terrible. What else is new?

  • Adam 6:55 am on June 15, 2018 Permalink |  

    When you remind me 

    Carrie messages today. To point out that it’s our wedding anniversary in two days. And that’s it’s been seven years since we got married. I was nice and polite and made a smooth exit from the conversation. Then I cried my fucking brains out for a while.

    I know that she does it to show she cares and remembers me. It means a lot. It does. But God it can still surprise me when it hurts like it did so long ago.

    Mostly I don’t think about it . I’ve gotten pretty good at that. I don’t think I’ve cried about it for 6-8 months? Maybe more. But God it hit me tonight. I wouldn’t have remembered. I ignore it and I try not to. I don’t know if that means I’m not dealing with something?  Asking me to really and truly dip my mind in that pool of acid again is almost unthinkable.

    I miss her still sometimes. My mind was flooded with memories that don’t make sense. My pictures of her in my past have become blurry and mixed.  I remember the way she felt against my chest. Her smile. The feel of her hands.

    Sometimes I feel like the rest of my life will be spent making it up to myself. That I have to live a better life from now on or its not worth it. And if it’s not worth it, I couldn’t bear it. I have to tell myself it was all for a reason and all for the best. Or that tiny corner of myself that will never let go of her will swell and crest and swallow me. I’ll die in my heart when there’s no room for her anymore. I’ll die if I give her too much room in my heart. I walk the line. I try to love a good life. I try.

  • Adam 10:50 pm on March 9, 2018 Permalink |  

    Sisyphus is my Spirit Animal 

    Sisyphus is the greek myth about the king who was punished by being forced to roll a boulder uphill endlessly. He was given this punishment for his self-aggrandizing and deceit. I feel that. I really do.

    I always think the winter won’t be that bad but then it sets in and I get more and more depressed, less and less motivated. I stopped working out daily, was eating horribly there for a while. Combine that with a new relationship where nothing seems to matter but Martha and I had a formula for letting myself go. I’ve kept Pilates and I’m doing that twice weekly now which is my only saving grace.

    Eventually I will have to start doing the gym more again, swimming again, doing weights and being driven. It’s so fast to slip. A few months of failure and I’ve undone EVERYTHING I worked for 10 months on. I’ve gained back a ton of weight, I’ve felt awful and sore. I really need to find a way to get through the winter months without my depression taking over. I’ve adjusted my meds, I’ve kept pilates. That’s all I got lately. It’s almost spring though, and with that comes some sunshine and an urge to get out and do things more. At least I hope it does.

    I chatted with Carrie today over messenger and she was doing that thing where she takes all the blame and apologizing like she was the devil and I was perfect, then I’m forced to point out that if anything I was the worse perpetrator and here I am trying to convince my ex-wife that I was in-fact, intractable, stubborn, annoying and hurtful on many occasions.

    I  used to hope, fear, and pray that Carrie’s awful way of not-coping would catch up with her. Would come crashing home on her. I see now with perspective that it’s self-fulfilling. If you avoid your shit, ignore your problems it gets twisted up inside of you and comes back again and again with new re-written history. She punished herself by avoiding everything, she set herself up for years of guilt and blame instead of just dealing with it at the moment. It’s almost a reflection of what I did that she is doing now.

    When we were together I avoided all our problems, I deflected, was in denial and refused to face facts. It all came home to roost and I was thrown unceremoniously out of my life. I still wonder about the fall for carrie, if she has one coming. She is very good at bouncing from one safety net to the next. She’s too afraid of getting hurt that she simply won’t let herself get hurt. It’s a technique I envy sometimes but I see how it warps her reality as well.

    I used to yearn for years that I wish I could bring these lessons back with me, wish I could show Carrie what I’ve learned. It never occurred to me that maybe she didn’t learn them, wouldn’t recognize them and wouldn’t know what to do with them. I’m trying now to focus on bring those lessons forward into my current and future relationships.

    Things with Martha are going well but there are definitely some doubts about our long term viability. In the meantime we’re both in love and that’s a good feeling. I always worry and overthink things. I’m trying right now to just be in love and be happy for a while. Maybe I deserve that, at least for a while.

    Part of me always wonders though, am I just pushing this boulder back up the hill? Or are things really different now? Let’s craft our own reality and make it the way it should be. How about that?

  • Adam 6:49 pm on October 30, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: 200 days, , fitness, training, weights, workouts   

    Fitness Update 

    For those of you that keep track, you might have noticed I’m not posting my “Day Count” for workouts anymore. It’s not because I’ve given up or anything. Here’s the situation —

    1. I hit a plateau after a few months and was seeing very little progress for months and it was discouraging.
    2. Several experts and my trainers ALL advised me that 7 days a week was not particularly recommended and that better results would come from staggering, weight training and high intensity interval training.
    3. After proving that I don’t really know what I’m doing, I’ve decided to take their advice. I now have a weight trainer, a pilates trainer and a schedule that involves alternating days off.
    4. I’m still “at” it – I’m working out multiple times a week and trying my best not to fall into a bad schedule. However due to the craziness from the fires and several cancelled training sessions, It’s been a very mix-matched several weeks. (few too many days off)
    5. I’m getting back on track, doing weights, pilates, and some cardio with days off after heavy lifting & hard workouts. I’m still working on getting this new fangled approach, scheduled and stable.
    6. Additionally my diet was kind of hit and miss, I’m now doing Healthy lunches via work and Healthy dinners via Munchery. I’m hoping that with a very fixed schedule on meals that I will also get better in this arena. As that is my next goal stacked onto the pile (eat better, consistently, to assist with weight loss)

    So there you have it, I worked out 7 days a week for 200+ days and I couldn’t be more proud of that. I definitely have seen changes and feel better. I’m worried that the lack of consistency in this new approach will make following through difficult but my paid training sessions help keep me on track.

    I like the accountability and updating online, it gives me encouragement and helps me to share. It’s not as easy without a fixed ‘number’ but I’m going to try to pick back up on updates regarding fitness.

    For anyone that reads these and follows my progress and gives encouragement. I can’t thank you enough it means the world to me and I’m going to keep getting better. The addition of weight training is a bit intimidating but I really do enjoy it and like ‘pushing’ myself to new limits. I adore my trainers and I’m so lucky to have 2 awesome and talented people giving me direction, encouragement and training.

    <3 Thanks and Stay Tuned

  • Adam 4:57 pm on July 14, 2017 Permalink |  

    Being a Decent Person vs Getting what I want 

    It’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this journal. It was a coping mechanism that was immensely helpful for a long time, and then it became a painful reminder that I’m still rolling around in my pain and maybe it was time to shelve it. Recently I’ve gone through this breakup with Jessie and it’s been hard so I felt the urge to write again.

    We broke up several months ago, and it seems like a different person did that. My anxiety was out of control and I felt betrayed and I ended things on an angry note and then backpedaled and got dumped anyway. Having actually calmed down and sorted my meds, it feels like the Mr. Hyde version to my my Dr. Jekyll has trashed my life and left me to pick up the pieces.

    I don’t know how much was the way I was treated by Jessie (which was poorly) and how much as the side effects of weed causing major problems with my antidepressants. It does feel like a different person fucked up my life. I’ve worked really hard to do everything ‘right’ with her. Even the breakup. I cut off all contact and didn’t talk to her for 3 months. Then we agreed to meet and chatted and she told me that she “didn’t want anything romantic” with me. Which hurt to hear all over again but I accepted that as her choice.

    Since then I’ve done my best to be her friend and to not be overbearing or overly involved in her life. As I know I’m still not a ‘neutral’ party. Recently she started dating a new girl that she’s really excited over and it hits me right in the heart to not only have to sit back and not be involved in her life, but to watch her fall in love with someone else. It might be more than I can handle. So far she’s thanked me twice for ‘being cool & not making it weird’ and it’s true – I haven’t. I’ve been a friend to her and not made any weird comments or insinuations or anything, I’ve just been cool and myself and avoided any drama.

    I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I know I’m not supposed to be dramatic or to push my agenda, or force my romantic feelings on someone that doesn’t want them. That’s obvious right? But I’m doing the right thing and it’s still hurting, a lot. Maybe I’m not ready to be her friend. I just know it’s really hard to be someone’s friend after you’ve date them and sometimes it will just suck for a while. I take a lot of space and time inbetween us talking or hanging out. We don’t chat daily, or hang out often. We see each other every few weeks in general friend context. I’m so perfect I’m choking on it.

    In the meantime dating has been dismal. The only people I’m excited about seem to instantly dissolve and the people that I’m passively dating are just like hazy figures that come and go, they leave no mark, no emotional impact and I feel hollow and empty.

  • Adam 9:28 pm on May 24, 2017 Permalink |  

    Better Days & Bitter Days 

    It’s been a long time since I added something to this journal. I’ve been in a form of shock I guess. Things with Jessie suddenly going sideways and getting so bad so quickly. It’s hard to have a hole in your life all of a sudden. I find myself wondering if she misses me, if she thinks about me. I unfollowed her on facebook so while she is my friend I don’t see her posts.

    It’s annoying as hell by the way. A good chunk of my life is spent on facebook, and facebook seems to think we are still the very best of friends. She’s auto suggested at the top of every invite, every chat list, every recommendation, her name comes up first EVERY TIME. It’s like facebook knows we were dating but not that we broke up. It’s not easy to see her face, her name and be reminded so often.

    Still, I’ve taken the hands off approach. I just don’t talk to her. It’s like what I tried to do with Carrie but failed at on so many occasions. Maybe I’m determined to do it right this time. Give it time. Wait. Be still, be silent. There’s no benefit in arguing, there’s no ‘dragging her back in’ to a situation she wanted out of. There’s no convincing her that she was a terrible and great partner in so many ways.

    So silence seems the better option. I put a note in my calendar to ‘check in with myself’ after 2 months. it’s fast approaching and I’m rapidly thinking that 2 months is not quite enough. Although it has gotten easier.

    I work out every day, I’m trying to make a 7 day a week streak. I do 30+ minutes of activity and today is day 80. Wow. 80 Days. I actually think that I should have MORE to show for it. I mean I’ve lost weight (about 25 lbs) but I seem to not be able to lose anymore, I’m stuck here. My body has gone through some changes and I’m proud and happy for all of that. Mostly I just try to keep it going. I so desperately needed a victory after such a big perceived failure.

    Dating continues to be a thing. I kind of knew when I set out to go on dates that I wasn’t capable of something serious. It felt like being right back where I was after Carrie and I split up. Where I want affection, a distraction, companionship, but I am too emotionally raw to invest anything or even look for something serious. Inevitably this leads to people getting hurt feelings. Because as honest and genuine as I am with my intentions, people tend to agree and then realize they can’t handle that.

    End result, I get a few dates, maybe laid and then they drop away, hurt or annoyed. This is way too close to how Jessie made me feel but at least it gives me some comparison. She must be terrified of anyone getting close to still be in this state after several years.

    I think about her a lot, every day just about. It doesn’t stab me like it used to but it hurts. 2 months seemed like forever 2 months ago. Now it feels like a dull ache. I remember waiting, begging the universe to stop hurting when I thought of carrie, to stop thinking of her, for it all to stop stop stop. When it finally did start to lessen, I felt this sense of loss that I was getting over it. Guilt that I was no longer mourning or feeling it as sharply. I feel that now.

    I wonder what the point all is. Some of my friends tell me to cut my losses, move on and don’t talk to her again. Just boom – done. Personally the thought of never seeing her again hurts too. I’ve managed – with difficulty – to stay friends with most of my ex’s. It’s a point of pride I guess. I just know from experience that it takes time. It usually takes being in a new relationship and having your focus go elsewhere before it’s even possible. I’d like to think that I can get over her without having to love someone else. But in my experience that’s not really the case so far. Something I’ll have to think about…

  • Adam 4:36 pm on April 17, 2017 Permalink |  

    Remember Thou Art Mortal… Good Advice 

    I don’t check in as much as I should. I have made a lot of changes and want to check in with myself.

    Jessie ended things a few weeks ago and I actually can hardly blame her. I felt like i wasn’t acting like myself. I think next time I get super anxious or stressed I should maybe just step back entirely until I’m in a good place. Now with some time and reflection I have some decent perspective. We wanted different things. I think eventually it had to end.

    I’ve fought against the idea of a ‘Primary’ because it’s not what Jessie wanted or would have done. Truth be told I want someone to be special to me. I want to find someone as willing as i am to roll with the punches. When I felt that Jessie really loved me I assumed – naively – that she would be flexible like myself. Even if we started solo-poly with distance and emotional independence that now that LOVE was in the picture that surely things need to change. They didn’t for her.

    I talked to Bob and laid out the whole situation, he told me that in his opinion… Solo Poly is kind of bullshit. It’s denying our nature as a species to pair bond and want to be with another person and grow closer. Poly sure, primary/secondary maybe, but solo poly, like never getting entangled… bullshit. God it felt good actually. In retrospect I think Jessie is in the same place I was a year or two ago. Scared, distant, unable to engage in real deep emotions. Except she was like that BEFORE she got divorced, so it’s extra extra hard for her.

    I think she’s got a lot of growing to do, and I think that when she does she will drop the solo poly thing. I think she will just be poly or something less extreme. Solo poly sounds grand and independent to hear it described but i view it as a defense mechanism for people who have been hurt and I have trouble seeing it any other way. It’s just a pretty name for “Don’t get too close, I can’t handle it”

    In so many ways Jessie and I were a great fit, and a great match. If this were just a stupid old fashioned monogamous relationship I could see us really working. However without poly we never would have met. So, who knows. I think I tried to fit her definition of poly a bit too much to try to make it work. I see it as more laid back. Love more than one person, still act with care and respect and compassion. The end. It doesn’t have to be a big feminist adventure into couples privilege and finding excuses to never get too close. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know.

    Put simply, our good parts were amazing. We had chemistry and intellectual equality, we had similar interests and every interaction was fun & positive. Our issues didn’t align. Maybe that’s just as important as the good things. My problems with insecurity, emotional backlash, abandonment were not a good for for someone with emotional distance, lack of empathy, lack of attachment & compassion. We were on the same page in so many ways, but fundamentally not when it comes to our problems.

    I’ve had a few days to think about this, and I realize more and more that for some reason I put her on a pedestal. I expected her to have all the answers. She was smart and together, she took charge and knew exactly what she wanted. Of course she had all the answers. She was happy and doing amazing things right? I forget that we’re all scared and alone sometimes, that we all put up walls to keep from getting hurt again. That we doubt our decisions and ourselves and no matter what front we put out to the world that we’re not perfect.

    It was easy to think too highly of Jessie. She’s an awesome person in so many ways. She sings opera, she does marathon running, she sews and does coding. She dates like a whirlwind and takes risks. She jumps in with both feet.

    She also smokes weed to self-medicate, she has manic phases, she has emotional detachment and possibly some form of narcissism. She can be cold and distant and cruel and blunt. In other words. She’s a human being and I should really remember that we all are, next time I fall in love.

  • Adam 5:46 pm on April 7, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: breakup, , dumped, failure, , ,   

    How the World Ended Again 

    I tried to summarize what happened with Jessie in a forum recently and rather than write it all out twice I’m putting it in here as well.


    I’m not even sure how to write this out. I had a relationship end recently. When we first got together she identified herself as Solo-Poly and already had a partner. He exited the picture (due to drama) about a month in. For the next 6 months we had an amazing relationship. We grew very close, we expressed Love for each other and it meant a huge amount to me. She was always careful about keeping her distance and not spending more than a few days a week together and I was totally fine with that because I liked that we retained our independence.
    After things settled into a fairly normal routine it seems like she immediately withdrew. She started making questionable decisions, and dating 3-4 new people in the space of 2 weeks. Ignoring me 6 out of 7 days a week and generally being dismissive and uncaring. When we were together things seemed fine. So i told myself that I’m just concerning myself with her time that isn’t my business, that she cares she’s just caught up with other things.
    Eventually I pointed out that how extremely I’m ignored during the other 6 days a week was hurtful to me, and I got a lecture about poly and independence and told that she’s simply ‘busy’ and doesn’t have time to chat. I told her that some of her decisions were questionable and she became very defensive and pulled away more. After a big discussion, she told me that she really loves me and sees a future for us, and that we can enable each other to continue to experiment and live our lives. It sounded kind of grand and sweet and I felt better.
    Then I kept getting ignored, I would send messages checking in, saying hi, saying sweet things, I would get back a one word response, or hours of delay. We would say goodnight every night and suddenly she started forgetting to more and more. It seemed like I would reach out and she would pull away more and more. Finally I had to speak up again. I said that I felt ignored and uncared for 6 out of 7 days a week and that simply hurt me and made me feel bad.
    She told me that she needed space to think and I gave her a day, then she asked for the whole weekend, then she said we could talk saturday, then it became sunday. Finally on sunday after just sitting on this conversation for 4+ days I was a wreck. I asked her if we could please meet face to face to discuss on sunday. She told me she ‘had plans’ and maybe could do a phone call in the evening. I was shocked, I’d been waiting in the wings for days with a real grievance and a real hurt. I asked again if we could meet face to face. She told me she had plans and wouldn’t have time. I told her that I cancelled my plans that weekend to give her space and maybe she could do the same for me. She refused. I was extremely hurt, I begged her to do this for me because I couldn’t stand all the waiting and she accused me of being dramatic, impatient and told me I was ‘making it worse’. I eventually had enough, and out of anger, I told her that we’re done and I blocked her on facebook.
    The next day I felt horrible, and I apologized and I offered to give us a few weeks to reset (which she had proposed at some point) and she agreed. A few days into the 2 weeks she asked to meet and told me she considered the romance ‘dead’ and that she wasn’t sure if we could get it back or not. I asked if we could continue to take the two weeks and discuss again. She agreed. A few days later she just called and told me that she had to draw her own boundaries and that we’re completely done. Maybe again someday, who knows, but for now we’re done.
    This whole thing crushed me. It came from me speaking up about feeling hurt and ignored, in return I was ignored for 4 more days and then treated like shit. It occurred to me that during our whole relationship that I had constantly put in effort and gone above and beyond to surprise her, delight her and make her happy, and that she had never – once – done that for me. She only did what was convenient. When I pointed this out on occasion she would tell me that we can talk about whatever I want, but that she was always going to do whatever she wanted. Never a compromise, never an effort outside convenience, over 8 months total. We had amazing chemistry, we had “love” but I feel like she never really knew what that meant and that it means some effort and some compromise. She seems to think it meant ‘we can share something 1 day a week’.
    Afterwards I heard similar stories from people dating solo-poly people. Calling (some of) them ‘experience chasers’ and that seemed to fit the bill. She always wanted to do ‘everything’ and to not be held back in any way by anyone. I respected the sense of adventure and courage that went with that, but I’ve felt betrayed by being told I’m loved, and then treated like I’m simply not. I feel like if she wanted the kind of relationship that was only convenient then we shouldn’t have let it get to that level. I don’t know my point here, I’m just absolutely devastated and I miss her. But I’ve committed to saying nothing for a few months to let the feelings die down. She seems like she’s fine and doesn’t care and is going on with her life and told me ‘take all the time you need’. So here I am… Processing. Angry, Hurt, Sad, many other things… Would appreciate any feedback.
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