Phase 9: Backsliding

After we got back from Disneyland I fell into limbo. I was making good money, Carrie was safe and secure, at least financially. I stopped talking to my mother, first for one week, then two and three. I stopped paying attention to what I was eating and eventually I was just getting McDonalds for lunch and not really caring. I was so happy to be paying off my credit card bills that have haunted me for years. Credit card bills I racked up buying things to distract myself constantly.

Yes I also have a spending problem.

For the most part I would just keep my credit cards maxed I never really went beyond that but I would always spend enough to keep them maxed out.

I called my Mom at one point, I told her I was concerned about myself and my behavior but that I was doing something good for myself. I was paying my bills. She told me it’s okay to tackle one thing at a time and to go ahead and get it done. So having absolved myself of any responsibility I just plunged onward. Somewhere in the middle of this I was about 375 pounds.

For a long time, sex with Carrie had turned kind of perfunctory. About once a week we could get the job done and sometimes it was fun and other times it was just another chore. I remember when things slowed down and I kept constantly asking myself why, why did it go south all of a sudden. The whole time packing on weight like there’s no tomorrow and not doing much to keep my appearances up.

I think I knew why we didn’t have sex that much and I so desperately wanted to believe that Carrie just had a low sex drive and it had nothing to do with me. But truth be told. I wasn’t very sexy. I wasn’t being charming or fun, in the bedroom.

Sometimes sure, but most of the time. I was needy and demanding. Petulant and wanting. For the most part even the act of sex, probably my favorite thing to do in the world, was difficult and awkward and more often than not I couldn’t please Carrie.

More often than not, I just stopped trying to please her.

We will tell ourselves anything to not hurt and I told myself that she didn’t want to sleep with me because she just wasn’t into sex. I wanted to believe it. She wasn’t into sex because I brought nothing sexy to the table. An overweight guy with a hungry look in eyes who will just get off and go to sleep. Every woman’s dream right?

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