A New Spin on Things

I don’t know where I stand really. Carrie and I have been texting a little, nothing of consequence. She asked me for a ride the other day because she was sick. I wanted to reach out so badly and comfort her, take care of her, but I did my best to just be positive. Friendly and kind.

She let me take Pixel (one of the dogs) for the weekend. It’s been a huge comfort having her here. I take her out every day for huge walks and generally try to spoil her. It gives me something to focus on other than myself and my spinning thoughts.

I miss Carrie, having some contact helps it not be so acute, so painful. Although it’s a low-grade reminder that we’re not together. I’m forced to keep looking at my life as a new entity as something to possibly embrace and not just endure. It scares me, it shows me the possibility of a life without her.  It’s not what I want, not by a long shot. But I guess there’s some peace in knowing I might be okay either way.

I think on some level, I need to reach that point. To not “Need” anyone, but WANT Carrie in my life.  To try to get back into her life as a whole person and not just a desperate wreck. I’m on this pathway where everything seems unfamiliar and strange. There are some moments of joy and beauty to this new solitude, this new life. I’m trying to wrap my head around happiness, what it means, how to have it with Carrie. How to keep it for myself. I’ve always worried about her, and ignored myself. It’s odd now to think about my own happiness, and how to nurse it from the ground up.

I’m feeling a lot of deep thoughts and strange feelings. Trying to sort them all out.