Drugs, No Sex and Rock & Roll

Well here we are. I’ve been told we’re over and to follow my own path for now. It hurts too much to see me. Carrie needs to heal, I suppose I need to as well. I question a sane universe where 2 people who love each other deeply can’t work it out and can’t make it happen. But I did this to myself and I took my say out of the equation.

Drugs

I’ve avoided all drugs and I’ve quit drinking, so I have very little to fall back on. I used to smoke and when things got crazy recently I ended up smoking for a few days. When my anxiety turned into panic attacks I called my therapist. She got me an appointment with a psychiatrist and a reference for my doctor to get some temporary meds. I’m taking anti-depressants for the first time in my entire life. They’re supposed to keep me in the ‘middle of the road’ not too anxious not too depressed, kind of middle ground.

Also to avoid smoking I picked up an e-cig (yes VAPING) but I got the fluid with absolutely no nicotine. It’s actually a nice relaxing tool and has no addictive chemicals, so I feel okay with it. It’s sort of my fake ‘bad’ habit that I can do to chill out.

No Sex

Of course the anti-depressants have killed my libido, it’s actually made it really difficult to even get excited. For now I’m okay with that. I don’t think I could deal with a sexual encounter, nor do I think it’s a good idea.

Some people have already mentioned dating, and I’m just so far away from that. All I can think of is where I’m going to live, how I’m going to survive and how to keep working out every day. I’m losing weight (update: 350 pounds, down from 367 – in 3 weeks) any other time this kind of weight loss would be astounding, right now my diet is miniscule at best and I’m only concerned with keeping up a steady pace of weight loss & exercise.

Looking forward to that, loose skin from weight loss, keeping my habits correct and forward leading. I’m not thinking about women. I do still think about Carrie and now that we’ve formally separated, I can’t help but hope and wonder. She’s being a little self-destructive with alcohol and running away from problems instead of facing them. But she’s so hurt and she’s not the one with the problem so I suppose she’s entitled to cope any way she wants. I also don’t have a say anymore but I worry about her and how she’s doing constantly.

Rock & Roll

Well when I wrote this clever title, I just meant that I’ve been listening to music again. For some reason all music ceased to exist for a few weeks. The radio became silent or a background drone. Every time I walked or hiked I either had deep thoughts, worry or tried to guess what Carrie was thinking.

Now that I know what she’s thinking (nothing good about me) I started putting on headphones and jamming some tunes. For some reason Glitch Mob is great for walking pace-wise, so I’ve been enjoying a little music again. I also walked today AND went to the driving range with Cliff. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to 2 chunks of exercise in a single day. I look forward to being strong enough to *gasp* do 2 physical things in a day.

I see the progress, I feel my body improving, and I’m digging my music. It’s all I have right now, but it will have to do.

Comments

comments