The End, The Beginning

I talked to Carrie today. I’ve been having anxiety and panic attacks since I wrote the letter asking for forgiveness and I reached out to her via text and I think she understood that I need some information to go on. Of course it wasn’t the information I wanted.

I think I’ve finally been able to understand that she can’t just ‘forgive’ me. I knew it but I didn’t really know what it meant. There’s too much hurt and pride and risk to even TRY right now. She told me that she needs to move on and that the Limbo that we’re in is just killing her. I understand, it was killing me too.

She told me that we need to be our own people right now. That she needs to be able to recover and needs to be alone and herself to do that. I need to pursue my journey and to be clear in my direction. That direction is for me and only me.

I gave her my wedding ring, I asked her to keep it. We told each other that we both love each other and we both think that the other is our soul mate. Whatever happens. I think I’m left in a slightly different version of where I was before. That there’s too much hurt and too much pain to shake this off and that only time will tell. For now, it’s over. I feel a huge relief just having an answer, just knowing where she’s coming from. It’s 100 times better than guessing, and worrying and freaking out.

I know I’ve made this promise to better myself, whatever else happens. I feel finally right that it is my path and my path alone. In some ways it helps to know that I’m not tempted by what-could-be, and free to make these changes for the right reasons.

I hurt. But I’ve hurt so much and so extremely that I’m drained. I’m not able to muster the sadness that I’m sure is coming. I’m just drained. But it’s like a blister, it’s painful and it hurt like hell to open. But the absence now is some form of release and comfort.

She wants to know that I’ll be strong, and that she doesn’t have to worry about me. I was strong. I did my best to show her that I’m doing what’s best for me. Come what may. I told her that I support her in this. That I love her no matter what. That I understand what she’s doing and why. She told me she’s taking it day by day. That she doesn’t know what the future will hold. I guess that gives me hope. That maybe someday she’ll forgive me.

My letter was looking for a quick answer and now the reality is setting in that there isn’t one. I told her that I’ll always hope, and that there’s nothing she can do about that. But I also said that I will leave her be, and someday I’d like to be her friend. Because I’d rather be her friend and hope and hurt than to not have her in my life at all. That I fear, is a long time off. I’m scared of when it won’t hurt anymore.

I hope to be a better person. I hope to be the kind of person she can trust again. Maybe when she can trust me again, we could one day have something. But I have to go forward, finally, accepting that it isn’t now and it’s nothing I can pursue. I feel good about how I dealt with it. I feel like I handled it as well as it could be handled, that I left her feeling like I have purpose, strength and understanding. I feel like I’ve grown up in 3 weeks and it hurts to see my childish nature die behind me. I had to grow up sometime, and it may as well be now.

Thank you for all the help you’ve given and I’m sure I’ll need a lot more as this goes forward. At least it’s going forward, in some direction. My heart is empty, hollowed out, and I don’t know how to feel. But I did something right. I think I have that to comfort me.

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