Loss Lost Losing

I feel so grim, so buried, so angry and so hurt.

Carrie told me today that she doesn’t want to continue counseling, that she wants more space. I told her I’ve been in limbo and dying for a sign one way or the other. I told her that this is a sign. That she’s pulling away. I can’t remain in this fog of not knowing. If she wants to pull away she’s telling me to go away.

She told me she doesn’t want to leave forever that she just wants more time and space. I told her I would give it to her as long as JJ isn’t in the picture. My friendship she ruined, the dagger in my heart her sleeping with and finding comfort with my friend has been horrible for me. She told me she can’t promise that.

I told her that continuing to see him or even not agreeing not to see him is telling me I need to move on. I can’t even attempt or try to make things work or have it as a possibility if she refuses to eliminate him from the picture. She told me that she’d like to but she can’t promise it. I told her what that means to me and she told me understood.

It doesn’t make sense. Moving on and away is one thing. Need space is another. Telling me that she needs to hang onto a dealbreaker isn’t space it’s a no. It’s an escape. I agreed to give her time and left but then my heart broke all over again.

I have no dignity and I have no peace. I feel like I’ve been degraded and hurt. I can’t let her do that to me and just take it. I’m a ruin a wreck and all I can feel is pain.