The Underside of the Rainbow

I can’t seem to grasp my life still. I’ve had these setbacks and the reality that I keep thinking I understand slams me back into the truth again and again.

I never thought I’d end up here, and if I did, I thought I’d be smart enough to get the hell out. I’ve never been one to let go without trying everything and without giving it my all. I won’t live in regret for not trying. There comes a time when you have to grasp what happens next. When you do everything and it doesn’t work… what’s left? Unhealthy obsession, dragging each other through the mud.

I feel like I’m reaching a turning point. She’s pushed me away and hurt me and left everything in a void. I’ve tried to brave the storm, to move forward and be the strong one. The focused one.

I need her to reach a turning point. I need her to decide. To put away this hurt and this anger and at least try to stabilize at a zero. I’ve tried to give time and space. Couples counseling feels like progress despite how it hurts. She’s resistant to even that and thinking about giving up. I don’t think she understands how much hangs in the balance, maybe she does. If she can’t try now, she can’t. I’ll have no choice but to move on and away. Right now I am present if hovering at the edges. After that choice is made I’ll either move closer or rapidly further away.

My god it hurts. I feel like I need her in my life. But the pain so far has been unbearable and I’ve endured because I think there’s still a chance. She’s so close to convincing me there is NO chance that I’m almost ready to accept it. I keep hoping something will give, and we can move in a positive direction. Here we are at a cross roads. Everything by a thread. I walk every day on the razors edge.

I pray that the next time we talk we’ll finally hug without that space between us. I miss her presence, her love, her affection so much.  I act like she’s made of glass and always on the brink of falling. I want to grab her and spin her around and show her the joy left in the world. I’ve made such a huge mistake and I may pay for it forever. Maybe it’s the life I chose. The only way I’ll ever learn. To have my consequences be permanent. I’ll certainly never forget the lessons I’ve learned, I just wish I could use these new answers for her. I would do anything. But I can’t force it. I’m learning that now.

Please forgive me world, please forgive me universe. I threw away love and I’m sorry that I treated it so poorly. I’ve always dreamed of love as a great thing that I might someday attain. I’ve made the concept flawed and dirty. I’ve proven how broken and shallow I am. It hurts. It hurts to see how farI’ve fallen. I remember being a kid and just loving. Just dreaming and thinking when I found love it would be everything to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever climb so high again or fall so far. Please forgive me. My heart is broken.

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