A Bitter Email to Swallow

My new antidepressants caused extreme anxiety and irritability – I’m changing meds right away. I’ve had panic attacks for days and didn’t know why. For what it’s worth I’m sorry and I won’t bother you again.

I hurt so bad that I’ve been replaced and I can’t think about it anymore. You do need to be alone and we shouldn’t talk until then.

I will not bother you again. This isn’t healthy for me and the anger and the hurt I feel at your actions I cannot rise above. It’s best that we don’t even try while you’re doing this. It’s not authentic and I can’t convince myself that it’s OK.

You can reach me by email with anything about taxes etc. I need a huge time and space – I have never been so hurt and every day I think about you dating my friend – this serial cheater and liar – It kills me inside. I cannot turn off my hurt and I don’t want to hate you. I will be moving to SF and changing my number soon. I hope you get what help you can and someday from a healthy source.

My anger got a hold of me and I sent that text – partly because my meds are awful – partly because it feels like you cannot stop hurting me, that you wouldn’t treat me like this unless you hated me. I can only believe that because you know what this does to me and choose to continue it that you either don’t care that it hurts me or you want it to. Both answers make me see you in a light that I never ever wanted to.

I’ve always thought of you as kind and if you knew what your comfort was costing me in my soul you wouldn’t do this.

I keep changing my mind, going back on my own commitment not to talk to you because I constantly doubt that you can still be doing this. Still dating and fucking this piece of unkempt trash that I believed was so beneath you. He has hit on every single one of my ex girlfriends, all of them were smart enough to not go there. The one person who should have been the smartest my life partner, chose a betrayer when she was betrayed. Chose a guy who has done nothing but cheat when she was cheated on. I swear to god you must be punishing yourself. Everything you always told me you wanted in a partner you abandoned for the exact opposite.

Maybe it helps you to have someone lie and tell you beautiful things when you’re hurt. But that kind of comfort should be fleeting, momentary, not a lifestyle.

When I realized that you could trick yourself into dating him, into thinking this was healthy and okay. I realized that your denial has no bounds. If it has no bounds, what was I ever to you? I was the same thing. A fat lonely guy who always loved you from afar. A guy who swooped in 2 weeks after the last ‘terrible guy’ to save the day. We made nothing but rash choices. Moving in together, deciding to date so quickly. I thought I was lucky. Now I see that I just had good timing. It doesn’t matter what kind of person I am. It doesn’t matter everything we struggled for. Because you can re write reality and make anyone feasible. It leaves me feeling cheap and like you never loved me for my own merits.

I know you just think I’m jealous, and I know how you justified this to your friends. But he is a gross person. With bad teeth, bad hygiene, no ambition, no sense of what love is – just a teenage fantasy of every girl being the one. You might not realize that you’re being used too. You are his next obsession and when reality sets in he will hate himself again and end up hating you. Hell your whole relationship was founded on fucking behind my back and you have tweaked your reality for that to make sense. You even think I shouldn’t be hurt by it.

This hurt can consume you. What I did to you was horrible. But it shouldn’t have been the end. Real love is communicating, even when it hurts. It’s trying, even when it seems impossible. It’s having loyalty even when yours is destroyed. It requires two people who are capable of remorse and forgiveness.

I would forgive you if you’d ever stop. But instead of forgiving me you’ve shown a person so removed from reality that it casts everything I thought I knew about you into doubt.

The woman I fell in love with was kind, loved dogs and goats. She was gentle, and she never wanted to see anyone suffer. She tended my wounds and took care of me when I was sick. She worked hard and played hard and had the most beautiful smile. The thing I remember most is the kindness in your eyes and the feeling that it was just for me. Now the thought of looking into them, seeing lies to me and to yourself there, makes me doubt everything.

There was one thing in this life that I knew for sure. It was that I truly loved you. Your actions make me doubt the only religion I’ve ever had. Love.

You don’t have to be with me. But I will always want to be with you. You will always be my wife. Whatever this all is – it’s hurt and ugliness and pain. Will fade someday. It will only leave me with my memories and the reality will be whatever you decide to face in this world. You could face it with me, you could face it alone. Or you can do what you’re doing. Not facing it at all.

When you want to prove you love me, pull the dagger out – this asshole isn’t worth what you’re doing to both of us. Not by a long shot. You are so much more than just your hurt. I believe that.

Take care of your mom. The dogs. Mostly take care of yourself. I don’t think you are right now.

You can email – I will not respond for anything but healthy behavior.

Adam

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