All Fire and Brimstone

Oh My God. I’ve gone off the deep end. Everything has been so rough lately and this last week pushed me over the edge of sanity.

First Tia screws me (over) for new years. Then I find out that Carrie is going to visit her mother and I think she’s taking -him- with her. To meet her fucking sick mother. The last visage she’ll have of her daughter is of her and the lowlife piece of shit who swooped in while she was still married and barely able to stand on her own two feet.

To round out my new low, I got yelled at today by my roommates for being up at all hours, for having too many house-guests, for being rude and inconsiderate. Truth be told they are correct and that made it worse. I have to fix my life, all over again, and I have to do it now.

My therapist urged me to get in touch with my anger and it’s swelled so much in the last week. It reached a boiling point yesterday. I realized Carrie had ignored my email pouring my heart out, ignored it for days, while she left town and went traveling with her new partner in crime. Taking a break to not feel guilty. Yes to see her mother, I respect that. But it’s also just another of her escapes.

I lost it, I lost control. I’ve been burying my anger so much that it swelled out of me, filled with poison and vengeance. I texted her the most horrible things I could think of, that she’s a horrible person. That I hate her, that I regret ever marrying her. That her and this asshole are perfect for each other. I scorched the earth and didn’t pull any punches.

My phone ticked over to ‘Read’ so I know that she saw it. To her credit she didn’t reply. The next morning I woke up riddled with guilt, feeling awful. I realized that my new medication has been making me very agitated and very irritable, and I think it contributed to this newfound sense of rage and ongoing anger. ¬†I have an appointment to adjust it again and change medications, again. In the meantime I try to ignore my irrational irritability.

When I woke up I realized I had gone too far, acted in a way that I truly didn’t want to. I was filled with regret. I sent a quick text explaining that my meds aren’t helping any, that they’re flaring my temper beyond normal means, and told her for what it’s worth, that I’m sorry.

She wrote back to my email finally, I guess I got her attention with my hate-text. She told me everything I would have liked to hear four days ago. But the time I sat twisting in the wind for the 100th time brought back the feeling of being abandoned, betrayed, and made me realize that I can’t just will myself to be over this.

For the final time, for myself. I wrote an email, it had anger in it, I think it’s the first time I really tapped into it without losing control of it. I told her that I’m angry, that I’m hurt. I know i keep flip-flopping and I’ve realized that I can’t accept her actions. I can’t let it go, I can’t be okay with it. It’s fucked up, it’s disrespectful and it wounds me every time I think of it. I’ll just post the letter rather than explain it.

I acted out of character, out of control. I did something I didn’t want to do. But something I did want to do was express my anger, my hurt my feelings of betrayal. Although I couched it in hateful words I didn’t mean, I did finally express it.

I made the choice today for my sanity to really do this. To really do the separation. Cliff helped me formulate a plan. I’m going to break it into chunks. For now I’m not going to talk to her until January is over. A month from now. I set up an email filter on my computer to toss her emails into a hidden folder that I won’t open for a month. I wrote down an automatic reply for texting in case that happens.

I keep changing my mind every time I hear from her, so I’m not going to hear from her again. I can’t live like this. I can’t exist with hate in my heart for someone I loved so much. I won’t do it to myself anymore. It seems there’s always a new bottom for some things. I’ve found mine again. I lost control, I lost empathy, I gave into anger and told her what I promised myself I never would, that I hate her.

Truth be told, I hate what she’s doing, I hate him, and I’m so close to hating her I’m doing the only right thing. Cutting the cord. I’m not going to talk to anyone closely involved with her and I’m going to start working out and job hunting with a vengeance. I dwelled in self pity enough and it’s time to start tackling this life I’ve been looking forward to for so long.

I’ll post the final letter I sent. I wish it wasn’t worded like it was, but it really expresses my anger, it shows my misgivings, and it resets my boundaries. Hopefully by backing it up with action, I can finally show that I mean what I say. That I’m NOT OK with this. I can’t control her but I can control me and I won’t dignify anyone who plays so loosely with my feelings and acts so cheaply with my heart. No matter if she’s my wife, my best friend, and the angel of death herself. I define myself and my limits. I’m going to start acting like it.

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