Forgive and Wish I Could Forget

I try so hard to disconnect lately. The same shit continues. Everyone seems intent on telling me how messed up Carrie is, how hurt she is. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t even fend off the information. I’m starved for it, but I don’t want it.

I didn’t talk to her for weeks, I told her I would never talk to her again. I realize in the heat of the moment that this may not be true, but I certainly don’t want to right now. Every time I hear her name it pulls a string in my heart. Every time I hear more and more that it just seems like she’s in a new relationship.

How much could mine mean? It was replaced so quickly, out of such a desperate need to not be alone. It makes me doubt everything, it makes me wonder if I’ve been a support beam all along. Not a real person, not a real love, just a prop that worked for 10 long years and was discarded like any other.

It makes my love feel cheap and that’s what hurts most of all. After 2 weeks of finally disconnecting I get this disconcerting message from Carrie. Demanding that I take down my blog. I made the mistake of sharing it with her when she made her decision to divorce me. I thought she’d never read it, but she did. She didn’t like what she found. Which I could have guessed. My anger shot forward before I could even stop it. I told her “No” and called her a hypocrite for asking me to consider her feelings.

After I calmed down I wrote her a simple email explaining that nobody else really reads my blog and telling her why her actions are hurtful and that is the reason I can’t have contact with her. She refuses to see it. She wants to talk to me, talk about our problems. All while dating that ex-friend of mine I can’t seem to stop hating. You can’t hold a teddy bear up in front of me and tell me you want an adult conversation. It doesn’t work for me.

I password protected the blog, here we are. I just pulled it away so she’d have nothing to gripe about and said goodbye (again). 24 hours later she texts me again, saying she’s had revelations about our marriage and why it went wrong. She can’t understand. She ¬†can’t understand that even hearing ABOUT her is damaging to me, much less hearing what else I did wrong in our marriage. I told her everything she says is filtered through anger and hurt. She’s still seeing this rebound, this mess, and I have nothing to say to her or anything to gain by her while she’s damaging herself in this way. I told her to get healthy and happy, to not contact me anymore (again) and said “Goodbye”.

Thinking I had finally put this to rest. The next day I get a call from her Mother. Her Mother has always been very kind to me, calls me son, tells me she loves me. It never quite felt right because we never really got to know each other but the sentiment does reach me. I took her call, against my better judgement. We talked for an hour. It was mostly nice. She asked me the same questions, and fought for me to ‘forgive’ Carrie. I told her that the minute Carrie wants to pull this dagger out of me, I’ll be happy to talk with her. But at this point I’d have a really hard time believing it. Lying to me three times on this particular topic has soured my trust of her willpower and honesty.

She told me that Carrie thinks I hate her. I told her I would never hate her. I do hate what she’s doing. I’m dangerously close to hating my ex-friend. I don’t want hate in my heart. I can’t hate Carrie. But I won’t stand around and let her step on my heart and damage herself when it wouldn’t do any good. I’ve disconnected, I’m out of the picture. Until she really wants me back in it. I’m better off with no contact. I know it hurts her but when you’re holding the knife it’s hard to complain that it cuts you too.

Yes I fired the first shot. I destroyed her trust. But the return salvo has been brutal and never-ending. I can’t stand in the line of fire anymore. I’m not strong enough.

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