Grasping at Fireflies

I’m coming out of a fog. Clawing my way out of that same black hole that sucked me in before. Depression my old friend, you’re harsh, bitter and you’ve never left me.

I’ve never been able to decide anything about what’s going on. Every choice is doubtful, every commitment to myself is questioned. My heart is a sore tooth, constantly prodded, poked, never quite healing.

I’m not talking to Carrie, I decided that’s my course of action. Part of me wonders if it’s the silent treatment, if I’m just trying to hurt her in some other way. But I know what I have to say won’t heal either. I’ve decided on time and space, a lot of it.

Christmas is this week, I couldn’t dread anything more. It makes me lock up inside to think about it. My first in ten years without her. It feels so sad and crippling already that I find myself loathing the idea of it. I’m going to spend time with my family. Not out of any want to do so, but because people who know more than me, assure me that this will help. My plan was to lay in bed all day and cry, so I’m assuming they’re right.

I bought a card for Carrie. It was stupid. I have no idea what to write. A thousand things hateful, fanciful and full of love flit through my mind. What could I possibly say in a few sentences that I couldn’t say in 4 months of conversations, letters, emails, texts, and therapy… I have no idea.  I still don’t know what I’ll write, but I’ll let you know – adoring fans – I’ll let you know.

Part of me wants to jab home these reminders. I didn’t just die. I didn’t just fade into the background and become another mistake. I’m a human being, I’m still here and I still feel. I’m still hurt, still sad, still angry. I want it to be over. I want to fall asleep and fast forward 6 months until the day when I don’t cry on a whim.

I’m not answering any calls, but they stopped coming anyway. I was so braced to ignore her I didn’t expect silence. Here am I, deep in silence. I’ve almost managed to crawl back from the precipice and just have a normal day. Not yet, but it feels like one is coming.

Christmas is scary. I almost expect her to call. I’m betting she probably won’t. Maybe she has better things to do. Someone to spend it with. God I’m bitter. I’m codependent too, I want a crutch, I want a fake partner to get me through this. I have these feelings, I know they’re unhealthy, I know they’re codependent. I refuse to indulge them. I’m so alone, so utterly alone. I’m just quiet. Cynical, angry and full of angst.

It’s so much of my life gone and I don’t know how to fill the hole. The other 20 years of my life is leaking through the 10 I’ve lost. I can’t seem to find myself, my spark, my hope, my happiness. My weight is up 5 pounds, my exercise is sporadic. I’m a god damned mess right now. I just keep throwing distractions at myself and hoping another day will go by, that eventually it won’t keep hurting.

My dating has fallen by the wayside, I want to, but I can’t get up the energy. I threw out a few halfhearted attempts and the holidays drowned them in complications. The time now is when everyone hunkers down with their loved ones. I’ll be wrapped in a blanket, staring at a book whose pages don’t make sense. Waiting for January and the promise of a new year, a better year. A year that feels like a new life, instead of the end of one.

I miss her, I still miss her. It’s misty in the anger and they’re both dulled by space and time. It’s best that I keep waiting to ignore it. Knowing how I’ll handle it before it happens, if it does. When new years rolls around who will she kiss? Why won’t it be me? I guess I know. I just wish things were different. That’s never helped so I’ll try not to dwell in wishes.

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