I Remembered that She Hurt Me

Tonight was exactly what I needed. There was a big party for my friend Jay leaving town. I was signed up to take photographs and video.  I remember the last time we did the same party several months ago.

Last time, for the party previous, I spent most of the night just taking pictures and dealing with people’s attitude. I remembered that Carrie and I ignored each other most of the night. I was ‘busy’ and she was being social. So many of our social gatherings were like that. We would split away from each other and barely talk at some event we were both at. Most people couldn’t even tell we were dating, let alone married.

I woke up this morning with a jolt. I remembered a time that Carrie had hurt me, hurt my feelings, cut me to the bone with anger. I remembered when I had to teach her not to hit me while we argue, not to yell and scream at each other. Not to swear or hit the below the belt while we argued. I wasn’t perfect either but I remembered her saying things that cut so deep. I remember her threatening to divorce me, to leave me over stupid things. I remember thinking that if our whole marriage could be used as ammo for a stupid fight then how much could it mean.

I’ve had this wall in front of me that left Carrie blameless in all this. I’ve realized inch by ever-loving inch that she definitely had her role to play. We pulled away from each other years ago, and some arguments always went down the same rabbit hole. There was always topics that I was open to discuss that were simply off the table for her. She got frustrated too easily, she thought I didn’t care or just wanted my own way. I just wanted to communicate honestly about things. I was constantly defending myself explaining that I’m not a bad person trying to do bad things to her. She didn’t trust me, I don’t think she ever really did. She hated gettings gifts from me and always doubted my motivations.

She would never engage in an argument about something important if her role in it was weak. She constantly wanted the last word and was obsessed with it. She always wanted to win, to go for blood and push things way too far in an argument.

I realize on some level that she never really trusted me, and I’ve done my share of untrustworthy things so maybe I understand. But we never faced that reality and never really tackled it. By the time I ended up cheating on her I’d never felt so alone in my life. Every conversation we had was peppered with subtext and blame and undertones. Every party I spent alone in the same room with her. Hardly ever touching, speaking, engaging one another.

The ugly truth? I think she wanted out years ago. I think she checked out from the relationship and never bothered to tell me. I went along struggling in my own circle of hell thinking at least we were together in this. In retrospect, I was alone, hurt and resentful. I can’t sling all the blame at her, but I’ve realized how much of it is a two way street. She hurt me so many times. Why am I so shocked that she’s doing it now?

Instead I keep myself busy. I went to this party, terrified that her and that fucking waste of time would show up. Jay assured me she wouldn’t so I tried to relax. When I saw Ben I thought Tia might show up as well and I braced myself for that tornado. I hate being hated. I hate being afraid.  I want to be brave.

A few months ago I bought a shirt and a pair of pants. I realized they were both stylish but a full size or two too small. I liked the way they looked so much that I couldn’t bear to return them. I put them in the closet and swore that ‘someday’ I’d fit in them. Today for the party, I pulled them out, put them on. They fit perfectly. I did my hair, charged my camera and went out and a had a great time. I realize how much more sharp and funny I can be when I’m sober.  I met some great people, made everyone laugh, gave Jay a lap dance for his birthday (something I wouldn’t have done at the last party for sure). I even got up on the mic and worked the crowd. It was exactly what I needed.

The story of my life lately. Distraction, Carrie, Gym, Distraction, Carrie, Hate, Anger, Distraction, Sleep. But sometimes those distractions are big enough to swallow a whole night and leave me buzzing with energy. I went swimming today, and dancing and was on point all night. Didn’t have a drop to drink, drove myself home and now here I am. Rambling way too long at the void that is in the internet. I feel good. The feelings I had this morning seem a distant memory. But even those, remind me that this whole universe isn’t my fault. I’ve done nothing but blame myself for everything, then everyone else started blaming me too. It’s time I take the knife off my own throat and realize we’re people. Flawed, difficult, horrible, beautiful people.

Had a new date the other night, was kind of vanilla. Not a lot of connection but she was cute and funny. Sometimes I just like having dinner with people. Getting to know them. I still don’t really have the urge to be serious at all, but I’ve found a new fun in just meeting people. I’m down 43 pounds (324 for the record) and dropping it fast lately. I’ve been swimming every day and keeping so busy I barely have time to eat.