May Old Acquaintance be Remembered

We dropped Jay off at the airport today. He’s left for Turkey off on another of his adventures. Most of my day was taken up with that and swimming at the gym.

When I’m swimming now I’ve found a flow where I can’t even think. It’s still beautiful. It’s just what I need. I don’t know if I swim for therapy or to work out, but it works for both most times. Afterwards the world comes crashing in and it’s back to every day again.

Sigh. I’m going to try not writing about it. I’m going to try not thinking about it. I’ve tried soaking myself in my grief and I feel terrible and drained. It reminds me that I still have the full range of human emotions. I’m a walking, talking, real boy.

I can’t wait for time. Time is my enemy and I want as much between myself and pain as I can possibly get. I let each week slip by and try to get further and further away. I think I need to move. I drive by the old house and my instincts turn me that direction before I know what i’m doing. I’ve backtracked a dozen times by now.

I’m looking at housing in SF or beyond. I’m looking for work wherever sounds interesting. I’m about to leave this town behind and I can’t stop just holding my breath. My friends have fallen away. I have a core group who I’ll always be with and always miss, but it’s disturbing how many just fell out of the picture in the recent events.

Maybe this isn’t my town, this isn’t my place. I’ve been going on dates and thinking of what to do and the answers always seem the same. I’ve started going out dancing lately, it’s just some fluff way to spend an evening and something I couldn’t do before so I do it now. When I lose another chunk of weight and am approaching somewhat normal, I have all these things I want to do. Ride a roller coaster, go bungee jumping, ride a bike, jog, dance, test myself. Right now I’m still rickety and working my way down a very uncomfortable ladder.

Each time I feel myself swelling with pride at my accomplishments I have the downturn when I realize I have so far to go. I wish I could share what’s in my head, the feeling I get when I notice my legs are stronger, my muscles tighter, my chest expanding and my breath coming easier and longer.

Someday I’ll be fit, I’ll be healthy, I’ll be drug & alcohol free. My whole life I saw people like that and thought I’d never be in their league. I’d never be like them. I see what it takes now and I want it so bad. I want to feel good about everything in my life. I want to meet a beautiful woman, with elegance, grace, charisma and a head on her shoulders. To know, I deserve someone who is also amazing. I just have to get there first.

Dating continues, still don’t know what I think of it. it’s just nice to be around people and to feel attractive. Sometimes I feel like an actor. Pretending I’m not bleeding inside, pretending my thoughts are always funny and charming. Then I find myself being very grounded and real. I’m not so afraid of it anymore. To just admit what i’m feeling and thinking. I feel like I’m taking off a mask I’ve always worn. I don’t care if I’m not always fun or ‘on’. I’m just being me more. I’ve noticed people responding to it. I like it.

Self Discovery at every turn. Seems like every day I have a new realization. Finally each one is positive and each step is in the right direction. When I can get out of my head and out into the world, I’m a force to be reckoned with. Let’s keep trying.

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