Maybe You Feel Like I Do…

I am weak, I sent a letter. Probably not good timing, probably not a good idea. But here it is…

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Maybe you feel like I do. There’s no way to know without us communicating but it hurts too much. I don’t know.

I do know I’m out of pride, I’m out of gas. Every day is miserable. Maybe you feel like I do. Maybe at least on that we can agree.

Obviously there’s so much to say, and so much to discuss. I still care, I still love you, and I still want to be with you despite all this hurt. I told myself that I could hate you, that I could hang onto my anger for as long as it took. That you were done with me, so I was done with you. But I’m not. I still care so much, and I still love you. I still cry every day. Nothing feels right. Each day is awful in some way. I know by now I’ll survive, but I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t know how to shut it down, so I’m opening the doors. Maybe it’s a mistake. Maybe you’re not ready. It helps at least to try to communicate. Maybe we can do what we can by email.

I have limits, boundaries and I’ve seen how important they are to me. They still stand. What you’re doing is wrong for you, wrong for me. I don’t see healing happening in it’s midst. Tell me truly, do you feel better? We both have our good times and our good days I’m sure. But in the long run, do you feel better? Or worse? I feel worse. I’m not even doing anything wrong, except being angry, and I feel worse than ever. None of this feels right. I want a clear path to you, if only to end our relationship properly. You have someone in the way. So I can’t. I tried to tell myself that’s the way it is, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s true. There’s nothing I can do about it. Appealing to your better nature seems to make you feel worse or pull away more. Anger doesn’t seem to help, although I’ve kept most of it from you. I keep it because I care, because even if you’re hurting me, I don’t want to do it to you again.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. If you’re happy, if you’re healthy and you’re getting better. Please tell me. Tell me that things are easier and that you’re healing. If that’s true, I’ll leave it be. I’ll know it’s just in my head and my issues and I’ll leave it alone. But if you feel hopeless and like everything is wrong. If you feel like you can’t go a single day without hurt in your heart trying to throw you to the ground. Maybe it’s time to do something different. Maybe you feel like I do. Like all of this is terribly wrong and terribly complicated.

You moving on isn’t my problem, you not being with me isn’t my problem. Even being with someone else isn’t my problem. It’s that I need you in my life right now. Every day I can’t tell you what’s in my heart –  breaks it more and more. You told me that I pushed too hard for answers, it’s very possible that you were right. But when you were doing what you were doing in the background you made it impossible to do anything else. There were no answers to be had, you’d made them. You bounced onward and outward, you rebounded so hard that it ripped you right out of my life. I know you didn’t do it to hurt me, but you made communication impossible. You made dignified conversation impossible. You backed me into a corner where we can’t speak and we can’t finish what we started. There was no option but to push or give up, once you started down the road you’re on. I really feel like you left me no choice. Once you slept with my friend you escalated this to all new levels of hurt. I was left with the choice of running away, giving you up forever, or looking for an answer. There was no in between, I couldn’t just let you date him while I waited patiently to see if I would be next in line again. I hope you understand what I’m saying and that it’s not from a place of anger but trying to analyze why I feel so backed into a corner.

You can tell me that I’m wrong, that you’re recovering and surrounded by those that love you. But maybe you feel like I do. Terribly alone even in a crowd, terrifyingly isolated even when you’re 2 inches from someone’s face. I feel wrong inside and like nothing is getting better. I have moments where I don’t think about it, but mostly I suffer more and more. It strikes me that we could be adults, that we could converse, that we could even go to therapy just to finalize our situation, or maybe someday discuss working on it. We’re both codependent, I work really hard to separate that from my feelings. To know which part of it is missing you and loving you and which part of it is my crippling loneliness and negative feelings of inadequacy by myself.

No matter how hard I study my own feelings, I hit a wall where it’s in your court, all I can do is guess. Then I think about your situation and it dead ends. Either you’re rebounding, self-damaging and doing everything I think you are and there’s no progress to be made. Or you’ve truly moved on, found someone else to make you happy, decided it wasn’t worth finishing properly and you’re okay with your choices. Really, and truly, if you are okay, if you’re getting better and things seem easier now than a month ago, or 3 months ago, then enjoy what you’ve found. I haven’t found it.

I haven’t found an escape, I haven’t found anything to make it better. Even diet, exercise, therapy and not drinking don’t seem to count for much anymore. Not when I want to die every few days, not when I shoot tears from my eyes every day at random times because the hurt is so big and so omnipresent – I can’t recognize myself or my direction in it. I’m completely adrift, and I find myself wanting to say things, wanting to hear things, but I know what you’re doing hurts me.

For God’s sake, If it’s helping you, let it. If it’s not, and you feel like I do. Like everything is fucked and nothing is right. Let’s figure out another direction. Let’s try something else. I don’t want to take someone away from you just to hurt you, or just because it hurts me. I need a clear channel, as adults to figure out my life going forward. If you can’t change things and you can’t shake things up – I’ll just move away and do my best to get as much distance as I can. It’s my only backup plan and the only thing I can think of to stop the hurt.

I tell myself that just time, or just not talking will be enough. It even starts to feel easier when we don’t talk. But I’m not better. I’m not uphill anymore. I’m on 2 antidepressants, and suffering constantly. I can only imagine your scenario. I tell myself that maybe you’re happy most of the time. But all I hear from our friends is that your smile looks forced. That you cry like I do, and that it hurts you like it hurts me. You don’t have to tell me anything, you don’t have to DO anything. Maybe write back and tell me what’s in your heart and be honest. Tell me if you feel like I do, and if that’s true, maybe we can both come up with something different to do. Some new coping mechanism, some solution to our problems. I can’t look you in the eye right now, I’m so angry and so hurt I don’t know what I would do. But I find that I can’t just leave it alone either. So I’ll compromise, I’ll rally the white flag and keep trying to find some way we can communicate. To make this better, because ignoring it is killing me.

Despite everything that went wrong with our relationship, you’re still the truest and best friend I’ve ever known. The only person that I felt really understood me, good and bad. The only person I ever really trusted. I blew it all to hell, I know. But now I need that in my life, that person. You don’t have to be with me, you don’t have to be my wife, I wish you would, I really do. I would wipe the table clean if you were willing and start at zero. We don’t need a direction and I don’t need ‘answers’ I just need my friend, I need to know you’re okay, and to know that I am too. Right now I don’t believe in either one. I don’t think either of us is okay. I miss you, I miss the dogs, I miss talking to you even when it was about hard and difficult things. I’d rather be able to look you in the eye and hurt and feel like we’re accomplishing something than this limbo.

I know it all seems like it hinges on your current status, but it’s just incidental. It doesn’t make me not care, it doesn’t make me not love you. It doesn’t make the pain stop and the anger can’t drown my feelings. Eventually you’ll be alone, in a week or a month or ten more years of fear. If that’s what it takes I’ll be there then, that day. But I’m hoping if I can do everything to make you feel less pressured for answers and like I’m not just waiting on you to drop the axe that maybe we can both be alone. Maybe we can both talk, and share. Maybe it would be every day maybe once a month. But it would feel like something wouldn’t it? Like progress? Like a way out of this.

I’m really reaching here, I’m really sharing my thoughts. I sometimes think really dark thoughts about my life and about the pain I’m in. I guess I need to try to shake you, to shake you out of this funk and point us both in a direction of positive and healing. Maybe you’re already there, maybe your method works. If it does just tell me you’re doing better, that you don’t feel like I do and I’ll leave it alone again.

The only good Christmas I can remember in my life was with you, and the only person I ever wanted to kiss every new years was you. It’s about to be a new year, and I’m going to try to wipe every slate clean. I can do it with you, I promise I can. Or I can just keep working on myself. I’m not what i used to be, I’m not afraid to share my feelings and be honest. I’m not afraid anymore. I just still love you.

Tell me anything, tell me everything.

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