The Softer the Silence, The Louder my Thoughts

My mood is on a roller coaster lately. One minute I’m almost at peace, the next crushingly alone and sad. Today I’m spending the day alone, by myself in the quiet. Every time I do this it doesn’t go well. I test the waters to see if I’m sane yet, to see if I can let my guard down of constantly being busy. It appears not.

I tell myself that I am my own person. That I can be alone. One day I can’t stand to watch movies and desperately want to read, the next I can’t even look at a book.

My life has never been in so much flux, with so much swirling through my thoughts. I feel my brain and body never rest. I’m trying to take time to do that today. Let the melancholy wash over me. I’m supposed to grieve this relationship. The anger makes it ten times harder to do that. The anger provides a fiery outlet for my emotions so that I don’t have to face my grief. I can cry on the drop of a dime now. In 2 seconds flat if the right (or wrong) thought crosses my mind.

I see her pictures it stings my eyes. I remember the million times we made love. The endless hours I would pet her hair and press her against me. The only time in life when my body would relax and I would feel truly happy. To have this person I trust completely against me, warm, happy.

When I think about it, I realized what I took away from her. I took it away from myself too. We both don’t have it. My fault or not. Maybe she finds comfort in her actions. I don’t know. I just know that it hurts. That I miss her. It burns to think of her, and I get sick thinking of him giving that comfort. She can’t trust me, so she finds the most untrustworthy, cheating, chronic lying, denial laden person for comfort. He’s done so many awful things over the years, I don’t know why I thought it would never affect me. He’s never had a girlfriend he didn’t cheat on, he’s hit on every single one of my ex-girlfriends, all of them were smart enough to not even bother. I regret ever reaching out to him for friendship. No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

I’ve always tried to find the good in people and accept them even with their flaws. I want to do that, but I can’t. I’m not the patron saint of forgiveness. Just a mere mortal with his heart broken. Fuck. I can’t even miss her properly. He’s taken that away. She’s taken that away. I can’t just miss my wife. I can’t just grieve. There has to be this hate in my heart.

Just letting her go was unbearable, this sad state of affairs just leaves me sick. Sick and angry and I wish she was here for me to cry with. I wish I could find solace in her skin and hold her tight against me in the cold night. I kicked a boulder downhill and now I’m buried in the avalanche. I can’t even miss my wife, I can’t just cry because she’s gone. I don’t even get that. If I had to tear my beating heart out of my chest to feel better I’m not sure I wouldn’t do it. I’m not sure I should survive it.

My therapist has me on the next thing to suicide watch. No matter how many times I tell her I’m not going to do anything. Maybe I’m not very believable with hot burning tears in my eyes and making that wounded animal keening sound from my chest when I say it. I’m not even sure I’m convincing myself. Fuck I just miss her. I’ve looked at all the anger and issues, the problems and the hurt. I don’t care. I just wish she were here next to me. I’m so alone and my soul is gone. It’s dark here, it’s cold, and I don’t know how to just survive anymore.

Some nights I dream that she slips in the door, climbs into bed next to me and we just hold each other. Each morning I wake up to the frigid sunlight from the window and I feel the empty space where she will never be. At least in my dreams. I get to hold her again.