The Worst Text of My Life

I considered for a long time not posting this, not putting this online or in my blog. I think it’s important to not pretend that I’m perfect, that I should confront what I’ve done in it’s entirety.

Just before New Years, I got word from Matlock that Carrie was basically blowing me off, that she wasn’t going to read my incredibly heartfelt email, also that she was taking JJ to meet her mother who was sick. The overload of rejection, coupled with insult, coupled with coming off of my antidepressants; it was too much. I had held back from ever unloading any anger on Carrie directly. Despite being in agony, despite being incredibly angry, I held back and held back. I wouldn’t say anything to her that might push her away. So I bottled it up.  Coupled with Coming onto and off of 2 different antidepressants, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I exploded with grief and rage and I couldn’t contain it. I’m sorry universe, I’m sorry Carrie, I’m sorry myself. I sent this, and afterward, the next day I apologized and removed myself from the situation entirely.

Just so you understand…

Ok you win – I hate you. You’ve proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that your love is fake, hollow and any piece of shit you can pretend to care about will do the trick. You disgust me. I wish I’d never met you and I regret ever marrying you. You don’t have a bottom you just keep going down. Our entire relationship was a lie to keep you from seeing what a fucking lie you are. I’m done. Never have two people so deserved each other. The diseased pathological liar and the codependent sociopath who pretends to love people. I hope you fucking choke on what a fake empty hearted person you are – you don’t give a shit about me and I’m tired of lying to myself that you really cared. Fuck off forever and never darken my doorstep because you remind me that love isn’t real it’s just something you do to avoid being alone. You’ll always be alone inside and I hope you find your bottom someday you depraved psycho bitch. 

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