Why Do I?

Why do I still love my wife?

Why do I feel like this should have been immediately hashed out, cried over, discussed? Why did we just explode to two different towns and not say a word to each other?

I was talking to my friend Sabrina, gave her an overview of what happened. She told me this –

“Fuck. That’s so terrible. I’m sorry. People make mistakes. We all have the capacity to be stupid once in a while. I know Robbie and I have both made stupid mistakes but I’m thankful we both have forgiven each other & worked it out. I know some people don’t agree but, to me, a long term commitment like 10+ years can’t be erased by a drunken night or momentary lapse in judgement. I mean everybody has to decide their own way & I respect that but I don’t personally understand throwing away a marriage because of an infidelity if someone is really remorseful. I’m glad you’re making positive choices. That’s really awesome of you.”

It was the first time I had heard something that made sense. But this brought up a whole new set of issue. She wanted out. If she was willing to work on this marriage, this relationship. She would have. We would have moved past this. The facts rear their ugly head. She wanted out. Just waiting for me to trip on a land mine so she could just jump out of the relationship without a second glance.

Sleeping with someone else immediately afterward, not wanting any communication, reasons that keep shifting every time I hear them. I think it’s time to accept she just wanted out. She got it. Maybe I should be happy for her that I’m not her burden anymore. She certainly has an even more broken toy to play with now.

Why did I fall in love? I can’t turn it off. I’m not built that way, I don’t just stop. I’m in love. I’m terribly, deeply in love, with a woman who just wanted away from me. I can’t even really blame her. I was such a mess. I don’t know how to not love. I don’t know how to – not care. I miss my wife. I married her because I wanted to always overcome anything no matter how big. I see now it’s just me, and only me that will overcome these issues. I’ll do it alone universe, but you could have warned me it would hurt like this. I never would have let it happen.