You’re Not Welcome

Every day is bad in some way, but when a really bad day strikes it reminds me that it can get worse. I found out that Carrie will be out of town for New Years, which in itself isn’t a bad thing.

It opened the door for me to go to this party I wanted to attend. It’s at a friends house who throws famous parties and almost always has a really good crowd of people. I knew that Ben and Tia would be there, Tia is Ben’s wife and Carries best friend. She’s chosen to hate me over this. To make me her enemy and to hurt me any way she can.  Like I need more hurt in my life. She doesn’t realize she’s flicking water into the ocean. I have so much more hurt in my life that her attempts are just speculative annoyance.

She called the party host and requested that I be banned from the party, my invite revoked. He contacted me and told me not to come. I told him that’s bullshit. We chatted for a few, I told him I know it’s his party and his choice. I asked him not to buy into this drama, into drawing lines in the sand. He told me that several other ‘women’ had also requested that I not be invited due to my sexually aggressive nature. This hurt too. I told him I’m trying to turn my life around to not be like that anymore. But that I understand.

In a fit of anger I texted Ben, and Tia and told them this is fucked up. Ben said my anger is misdirected and he might be right. However I have been upset that he’s made zero effort to help me or be there for me in any way. He’s just keeping his head down behind his wife and letting her spew hate everywhere. I called him a coward and I told him he’s not being a good friend. I’ve known him for 20 years, his family is like my own, more so in some ways. Tia won’t respond to anything but I told her she’s being childish, not being a good person. I asked her to take a long look in the mirror.

For so long I practiced empathy. I understood everyone else around me, I understood their pain, their confusion. I felt like I could empathize with everyone. Since my decisions blew my own life up it gave me a sense of being humble. I’ve tried to hang onto that. It’s also shown me who is my friend and who would rather not bother. People who are vague acquaintances have texted me to check in, to make plans to help cheer me up. This friend of mine for most of my life has not said a word, ignored my texts and let his wife walk all over him and me.

He is scared, he’s scared of getting on the wrong side of his wife’s anger. He’s scared of tipping over his perfect life. I know the feeling. I’ve been scared of so much, and I’ve been so patient. Now I’m feeling like kicking down walls. Be my friend, or don’t. Put up or shut up. I don’t need anymore in my life that’s halfway, or half-hearted.

More and more it’s clear to me that I need space, time and distance from everything. Even the letter I sent to Carrie spilling out my heart feels pointless.  There’s nothing to be accomplished here but marinating in my mistakes. Dealing with people who can’t see past them. I’m going to start looking intensely for work in San Francisco or Oakland, land a job, find a place, move.

When I get there, I’ll find the closest gym, sign up for it. Buy a bed and a desk and start my life again. I have nothing holding me down anymore. Nobody cares where I go or what I do. So what am I afraid of? Failure? Fuck it, I’ll come back and stay on couches if I fail and then I’ll go back and do it again. I need to succeed at something, and now. I need change and I need it so badly my soul is crying out for it.

In the stages of grief, I must be in anger, I just had no idea the intensity it would provide. I’ve done the rest. I’m hoping that this too will fade. Then soon, I’ll just be a human being who isn’t constantly changing from a butterfly back into a caterpillar.