A Touch of Hope

I’ve looked so long for hope from carrie, from everywhere else. I’ve lost hope and faith in myself. It’s a new year now. I have this chance to unburden myself. I let my anger boil over, did things I’m not proud of. Even lost track of my path and exercise that was so important to me.

I’m taking it all back. I’m wiping my slate clean. I sent carrie an apology and asked her forgiveness and to ignore the last month of contact we’ve had. It’s been awful and it’s been anger and I’m done with that.

She may not forgive me, for these new transgressions but I’ve realized what’s in my control and what’s out of it. NO. I mean really realized it. Maybe she’ll accept my apology, maybe she’ll come back, maybe she’ll move on. It’s just not my issue anymore.

I don’t know why I couldn’t drop my anger. I think it’s because it felt like revenge, that I was so guilty about myself and hated myself that I couldn’t imagine she wasn’t punishing me too. Like I was punishing myself. I realized that she’s not. That this is hard on her too, harder if anything.

I have flipped on this issue so many times and I want to leave it in a positive space, and in a space where I can leave it alone. I’m taking January to simply not worry about it. I get a month for me. I was scared at first and now I’m excited. A month of not thinking about this, a month where it doesn’t matter. I can go back to the gym, I can eat right again, I can look for a job and get my life back into this positive spin I’ve enjoyed so much.

Mostly, there is joy. I’m here, I’m alive. I’m talented and genuine, or at least trying to be. This nightmare is behind me because I choose to put it behind me. I do now. I see the difference. Like quitting drinking or walking away from something unhealthy. You don’t think about it, you just DO it. I’m doing it. I’m firm and committed and every time I get sad or think about it; I’ll let it wash over me and through me and keep doing positive things every day.

Every. Single. Day. I want to do something good for myself, for others, and to end each night looking back and being proud of what I’ve done. No matter how small. Today I’m going to hike with Matlock and help him with his resolution to quit smoking.

Tonight I’ll write some more, tonight I’ll think of her, but not through the filter I’ve been using for so long. Let’s stop blaming and stop assigning motives. Let’s just be people. I love her. Always. There’s nothing else that needs to be said.

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