Daring the Sun to Set, Damning the Moon to Rise

Why can’t I wrap my mind around this. I wonder sometimes. I’m not being the person I want to be. I’m jealous of a person whom I don’t respect. For the love of someone who doesn’t respect me. I’m clearly a person of conflict.

The deeper reality sets in that I’m not living the life I want to, not being the person I’d like to be. My motivation is sucked out the car window with my convictions, my honor and dignity. So many miles traveled in the last 6 months, yet no real ground is gained.

I’m really just punishing myself at this point. Telling myself that there’s still hope, that this isn’t happening, that things will just work out. Whatever wake up call is coming to Carrie it’s on her now. I’m not involved, I haven’t been in six months. Maybe longer. God I fucked up my life pretty well. I’m just stumbling along trying to not cry and not die.

This isn’t my journey and my goal. I told myself its so important to do what I need to for me. But I can’t help but constantly think of her. She’s in my thoughts always, and I wait burning for the day I simply don’t cry. Sometimes I think there must be a way, an action, a statement, a method, a state of being that will finally fix what I’ve broken. Instead of leaving it behind me.

Best to mourn, attend the emotional funeral. Declare the time of death. January 25th, 2015. The day the music died. Can I cry one more time and just go live a life like people do? My mind will eventually turn over like a stubborn car. It will roar into life and I will lurch forward in jagged leapsĀ into a new day. I’ll love again, care again, smile again with no sense of irony.

I need to go to work, I need to get out of here. I looked up prices to Turkey, to visit Jay. It sounds like an erratic adventure, but at this point, I’d rather rack up my credit card surviving in Turkey than plod through each day here in a grey funk. It pains me that I need something so drastic but it does sound brilliant.

Culture shock, fear, excitement, adventure. A Jedi does crave these things. The mastering of ourselves isn’t perfect stillness but perfect motion. An arrow through time aimed perfectly up and up. There is a way to move forward beautifully instead of sitting placidly. Maybe one will follow the other. Perhaps it’s an endless cycle.

I need to change my surroundings. I need to see the rest of the world that doesn’t give a shit about my situation and has no idea it exists. Almost 20 years out of high school and I’m dealing with the same he-said, she-said, revenge and anger driven bullshit. It made me sick as a teenager and I never wanted it in my life. Yet here I am, sucking in pity and hate in equal amounts. The engine of my mind is running on bad fuel. I wish there was more to life, I’m sure there is, I’m not finding it here. I’ll go find it somewhere else.

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