Everything You Know is Wrong

I woke up this morning, and in the bleariness of sleep I lashed out at Carrie’s sister on her birthday. It was yet another wake up call. You are not okay, you are not healthy. You fucking unloaded emotionally on Carrie, through her sister, ON HER SISTERS BIRTHDAY. I’m clearly not okay.

It’s a reminder I have so much more work to do on myself. I was overwhelmed with holding back my emotions and they spilled out. I realized that what I’m doing isn’t working and it’s not helping.

I practiced spinning staffs with Bob today and had ¬†2+ solid hours of exercise. I’m incredibly sore but it really cleared my head. As soon as I was finished, I realized what I had done. I quickly apologized to Alicia and immediately set out on a mission to figure out how to make things right.

I talked with Joe, with Matlock, with Steven, with everyone today. Aubree texted me and called me an idiot. She realized what I had done before I did. I wish I had more foresight. But instead of just feeling shitty I set out for a solution.

What I’m doing isn’t working. What I want is closure but I’ve constantly been in doubt as to what that means. I think I’ve finally hit on something to help.

I need to apologize. It’s not that I haven’t a hundred times. It’s not even that I didn’t mean it. It’s that after all this, I realized I made a bad situation worse. I made Carrie feel guilty for being hurt. I cheapened her feelings by judging her for feeling pain. Yes what she did was unhealthy, yes it wasn’t kind or respectful to me. Why should it be? I scorched the earth. I destroyed my marriage. I cheated and betrayed the love of my life. I don’t deserve consideration, I don’t deserve to have a say in ANYTHING. I told myself that because I’m being healthy that I’m right. That because I’m working on my problems that i don’t deserve the consequences of my actions. I’ve been acting like an angry, petulant child. Worse yet, under the guise of a healthy functioning adult.

I’ve made a decision. I go back to letting her breathe and I go back to taking January to reflect. But when January is complete. If she’s willing to hear me. I want to apologize. Deeply and without reservation. Just eat crow on a massive scale and acknowledge that I brought all of this on myself, and that she’s justified in feeling and doing whatever it is that makes her feel better. There’s no reason she should take my feelings into consideration after what I did.

It finally feels like the right thing to do. I’ve been wondering and straining for what ‘closure’ is. It’s doing the right thing. It’s just straight up apologizing, owning my mistake, abandoning my anger and leaving her to feel safe. To not feel judged. She’s a good person, she deserves to be happy and to be treated with trust and respect by an equal partner. Just like the rest of us.

I couldn’t face that I wasn’t it. I couldn’t face that I didn’t measure up. That I failed so spectacularly. Rather than try to win her back, or control her. I just, so deeply, want to say I’m sorry. It’s an apology that I will be crafting for the next two weeks, that I hope to deliver with absolute kindness, and no sense of self preservation. I don’t hope that it will make her come back. I only hope to feel cleansed, to feel right. To do the right thing finally, and exit gracefully. It’s the piece I’ve been missing.

I’m not the victim here. I’ve been acting like I am. I’ve been the thing I hate the most. A hypocrite, unfair, entitled, and shallow. My whole journey is about acceptance, maturity, kindnes and understanding. Yet I haven’t exhibited those traits. I think I’m finally ready to. I will apologize like hell, and exit gracefully. That’s all I want.

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