Hands Wrapped Around a Ray of Light

I feel the title is appropriate. I’ve found a center point to focus on. I’ve started exercising again every day. I’ve started looking for work and almost immediately found some freelance work that might work out for me. I’ve made this commitment to unplug and I really mean it this time. I’ve filtered my email and set an auto reply on my text so that I don’t have to worry about any contact. Though in truth there probably won’t be any anyway.

I regret the way I acted. Although it completely reinforced my decision. It’s important to realize your limitations. To realize what you can’t handle and what you can’t do. I realized that I couldn’t keep it together. That I’m not a zen master. I’m just a flawed human like everyone else and as hard as I try, I am not the total master of my emotions. But I can be the master of my actions (for the most part).

The thoughts come up and into my head and this time, I allow them to pass through me. I miss her, I get angry, I get sad, and I let it happen and then I go on with my day. I’m not letting it derail me anymore. I’m chasing dreams.

I talked with Bob today for about 3 hours about moving to Oakland, I might have to give up my car to make it happen, or just store it in another city. But I’m excited about getting away, taking risks. When I was younger I would live in the shittiest neighborhood for the sake of an adventure. I have nothing to tie me down. I need a gym, my computer and a bed, I’ll survive. I’ve lived on less before.

I welcome this kind of cleansing adventure. This drastic change to life and it’s pace by altering my location, my habits, my companions. Bob is a super healthy and positive guy and I told him I’d really like to try this adventure with him. However it’s not a guarantee we’ll find a place together. It would help to have a friendly face though I’ve learned that much over the years of moving.

I went on a date on Monday, already blogged about it. But it’s literally the first time I’ve actually really liked anyone since Carrie. We had a really fun time, I was much more bold, funny and myself than I’ve been on almost any other date. I played loud music in the car and sang along (I would never do that in the past) I had a great dinner and made the first move at the end of the night to kiss her. She seemed to enjoy it and immediately agreed on a second date. We’re meeting up this weekend and going to Oakland for a performance.

I’m not obsessed, I’m not attributing more to it than you should for a first date. But my god it’s good to think about something else, someone else. It brings to mind the infinite joy and sadness of possibly moving on. It might not be with this girl, who knows? But it seems more possible now than ever before. I occurs to me in reflection later, that I might actually move on.

What that means to me? I don’t know I have these dark visions of Carrie finally coming out of her dark funk and wanting to work on things and me being in a place where it’s just not viable anymore. I was so worried about her moving on and replacing me that I never thought about me doing it.

As much as it seems like she’s moved on, she hasn’t. This stupid fling she’s having is just comfort. The way I see it; is that she will eventually realize that it’s not getting to me anymore. It’s not an attack on me anymore, that she’s just doing it for herself, and that she can do far better. Maybe she’ll think about trying with me, maybe not, but she will realize that she’s better than this. My friend Lisa asked me today if I thought that Carrie felt like she was ‘worthless’ and so was acting like someone who was worthless. That her ego was damaged so much that she thinks she’s just not worth love, attention, a good person to be around.

It sounds like a more solid theory than any of mine. It takes out the equation of revenge and just casts her in the role of the damaged girl. The woman who just got hurt, so badly, that she’s acting like someone who has no self worth anymore. More than ever I care and want to help but more than ever I realize I’m not helping. My hope, is that once I unplug from the equation and really remove myself that she will eventually calm down. Take stock and breathe. Realize what she’s doing is nothing healthy or positive.

What then? What if she calls me up and says “I want to try again”? What if she DOESN’T do that? Either way, I can’t exist in a vacuum. Lisa told me that I might have moved on by then, in 6 months or a year, I could be well on my way to a different life, in a new relationship, living a different lifestyle. We may not have enough in common anymore to rekindle this if it ends and dies now, which is how it seems. It could just be too late, and that life is just like that sometimes. God it makes me sad. I burned with this passion and this love to surmount any obstacle, to stay true to my faith, my wife, my love.

I need an adult to interface with and when she becomes one is potentially a long way away. As hard as this has been for me, it’s caused me to grow the fuck up. To realize that life is not all about me and I need to grab what I need from the world around me. Life, love, money, companionship, adventure, joy. I need to grasp it myself, make it myself and find it myself. I’m doing that. I wish I could share this feeling, I wish I could share this journey with others. That’s why I write it all down. I had a feeling when my life blew up, that I would go through something drastic, something important, something worth writing down.

I’m glad I took the time, I’m glad I started writing and haven’t stopped. I need this as much as I need therapy or medication or good advice. For you people out there. The few who read this now, the others who might read later. Don’t settle. Don’t lock in a partner because you’re afraid of being alone. Make yourself so fantastic that you deserve someone equally fantastic. There’s 6 billion people out there just getting by, just working and surviving. People just trying to get happy enough not to be sad.

I was that way too. I’m not anymore. I need more from life and I demand more from life. I don’t know my purpose but I intend to find it. I sing in the car, I kiss girls, I get sad sometimes. I’m Adam. How are you?

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