Here and There a Tiny Tear

I wrote Ben today. Confronting the fact that he’s completely ignored me for 5 months. I tried to remain calm and reasonable. I think for the most part I succeeded.

It’s just another way I reach out around me to say something to someone. To be heard. I feel Ike a tiny voice in the dark. Like everyone I ever loved has turned their back in the room, each one takes their light away. I’m left in darkness. Only the silhouettes of their cold shoulders still visible.

I pray and beg whatever God is above to end this crazy. To suddenly grant serenity to the ocean. My wife is still married to me and dating a verifiable bad person. How did I fall so far?

Ten years of being comfortable. Ten years of ignoring my problems, all come home to rest on my chest. Ten years of calm waters with Trouble brewing beneath has raged into an endless storm.

I know the price of comfort now. Of being complacent. Of simply saying “good enough – I’ll stay here forever”. If you are not pushing forward in life you are sliding backwards. Without even noticing I fell to my deepest despair.

What good are my lessons? What good this wisdom that I’ve so roughly come by? Who is around in this dark room to listen? Who still has ears to pull in this hard earned enlightenment I have spilling from my seams.

Every journey seems like one you start and end alone. My desperation and loneliness – repels relationships. My isolation breeds isolation. I know by now that all of this is mental. That it’s a state I have to change myself from within. I know how much power we have over our own moods.

I miss the spark of optimism. I miss my therapist. I miss Carrie and feeling content. I miss the feeling of her against me in the night. I miss not hurting, not being angry. I miss my friends. The choice lies before me to blaze a new life. So far the trail is erratic and slovenly. I must stand tall and face the night. Tap on the icy shoulders of my lost friends. Have a voice worth hearing. Speak a message worth the saying. I will be better than I have before. I will keep trying.