I Prefer My Heart Broken

I tried this new acrobatic thing yesterday. Honestly it was a great day. I hurt all over today but I suppose that means I did tax my body. I learned new things, hung out with good people. Yesterday was a good day.

I was supposed to start work this week and because it’s a fickle freelance type of work, it’s on hold. Not forever, could start tomorrow. There’s no telling. So while I was prepared to buckle down and really work, there’s no work.

Instead I filled the day. Saw some friends, had a good time. At the end of the night, I hung out with Crista and had dinner, and went to a movie. It was very platonic. It’s apparent that she either doesn’t see me that way, or doesn’t want to, because she’s well aware of my situation. At least she’s not shitty about it. We can have dinner, hold hands, talk about shit and hug and the night goes on.

She’s really a positive person. Unfortunately she ended up bringing up Carrie and things going on with her. I told her I’m unplugged and she kept it to a minimum but I wish she hadn’t said anything. It doesn’t take much to make me brood, to let the same feelings pop up.

I did find a positive thing, a gratitude in this. There’s a lesson to be learned in all this, and I have to do things for the right reason. I find gratitude because I’m unable to dodge this lesson. If we had worked things out, I might not know what kind of person she can be. If she had submitted to being with me again, I might not have learned my lesson. One thing I can look for in all this is that I’m FORCED to learn a lesson. I can’t ignore it and I can’t push through it. I’m going to learn it for the rest of my life.

Who you choose to let into your life is important, and the reasons you choose to do that is also important. Watching someone, her, go through the same process again with this loser. It shows me what being genuine is. What being true to yourself is. I saw a pretty face, a kind person, a beautiful girl. I overlooked any number of red flags to let the relationship continue. I buckled down and stayed in even when it was clear there were major problems. I saw what happens when you ignore the truth. I’m going to do my best not to do that ever again.

The next person I date, will see me with my eyes open. They will learn about my mistakes and what I want in a relationship. I won’t bend over backwards for a pretty girl. I’ll nod my head to an equal. I’ll bring my own sense of self, and self respect to the table.

My gratitude is that I have learned this important lesson. That it’s been driven home so completely, that there’s no option but to learn it. She served her purpose. She showed me what it means to be true to yourself, and in turn, what it means to fail at that. I failed, she’s failing. I truly hope she has the same kind of wake up call that I did. That you can’t solve life’s problems using someone else. You can’t put your self worth into anyone and expect anything but disaster.

I want a woman that challenges me. That’s smarter than me, that’s bold and honest. I want to strive to meet my own expectations and exceed them and watch someone alongside me doing the same thing.

Things were never quite equal. She never understood things that were fundamentally important to me. I never understood what it was to be a true partner and truly honest, unabashedly honest. I’m learning so much, I never want to let that go. I’m changing my life for the better, I want it to always be moving up. The more you  do, the more you can do. The more you improve the more you can push yourself to do it more.

I’m just starting up this hill. I did a lot of strenous activity last night holding up acrobats, and bending in unusual ways. In a way it was  a metaphor for my life, my mind, and my journey. I’m flexing everything in new ways.

Now I trudge uphill, realistically and metaphorically. My legs burn, my mind aches, my heart slams inside my chest. The soreness shows I worked out. The pain in my heart shows I’m growing. My troubled mind shows I’m thinking. There is gratitude in my heart. Love in my heart. My tears are a badge of honor, I’ll wear them proudly. Because that’s how we evolve.

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