It’s Never What You Think It Is

I don’t know at what point this turned into a bit of a dating journal. But I’ve got to write it somewhere and honestly it is all part of my process. It’s my life, fuck you.

I went on a date with Kashia today. She’s a black girl with 3 kids. It sounded like potentially not my type from the get go. But she seemed really sharp and positive and funny. I gave it a shot.

The beginning of the date we’re supposed to go to sushi, due to some circumstances we end up skipping dinner and meeting at a brewery and chatting there for about 2 hours. We play a game of pool get to know each other. By the time the brewery closes. She says she ‘doesn’t want the night to end’. We end up going to the local casino because it’s the only thing that’s open.

Arm in arm we walk through the casino and end up getting a table in the middle of nowhere and talking for another 3 hours. We talk about sex, and dating, and life. She’s actually really awesome. Blunt, straightforward, honest, charming, funny and intelligent. I’m really feeling that it’s going well and that there might be something here.

As it winds toward hour 5 of the date I finally take her back to her car to end the night. Thinking this is in the bag, thinking that this has clearly gone very well. I go to give her a goodnight kiss and she pulls away. In the same blunt, honest method, that she spent the rest of the night in, she says that she’s not really feeling that vibe.

I kept my face composed, inside I was saying to myself “WHAT THE FUCK???” It seemed like an amazing date, it seemed to be going really well. We stared at each others faces and talked for 5 straight hours, we held hands for gods sake. Yet at the end of the night, there’s a vague dodge and it all falls limp (metaphorically).

She said that she’s not sure she’s feeling a sexual vibe. That she thinks I’m a really cool person and that while she understands that I’m clearly looking romantically for someone, that she would love to be my friend. Ah the friend zone. I know it well. To be honest I would be happy to be her friend, she seems amazing, even just as a person. It’s that the night seemed to be so completely going one direction and changed course at the end.

I can’t even fault her for being deceptive, she seemed supernaturally honest the entire night. I think she was enjoying herself, and I think she was feeling it out. I even think that at the last moment that she was a little conflicted and unsure of how she felt (she intimated something like that. )

I took it with good grace and said goodbye. Afterward I sent a text, trying to offer up the same honesty. I told her the friend-zone thing stung a bit, that it was kind of a blindside. I told her I’m willing to try another date if she’s willing and if not then I’m willing to be her friend too, because either way, she’s cool.

It just never feels good to hear that someone is not physically attracted to you. It hurts a bit more when you talk and think you have chemistry, that you think it’s going well. It’s not the first time, it’s not the last time this will happen. But it never feels good.

After the date I looked in the mirror, silently judging myself. I’m still overweight. I’ve lost 50 pounds, I’m so proud of it. It still leaves me at technically obese, with a long way to go. I certainly look a lot better than I have in years, but I realized that I’m not exactly in the prime of my life either. I’ve got a long way to go. I’d like to be healthy enough to know that when I get slammed into the friend-zone again that it’s simply chemistry, or our personalities. I’m tired of being afraid of it being my body and my weight. I’m not even sure it was, but it would seem to be the problem. Everything else seemed dynamite.

Dating is difficult and weird. Honestly I was dreading it, and now in the midst of it, I’m trying to embrace it, make the best of it. Nights like these make me just want to give up. I never seem to know what I think I know. My instincts seem wrong. I don’t have the confidence I want to have. I know I’m funny, I know I’m charming. I know the personality is there. I’m smart, sharp, attentive and humorous. If only that were enough. I’m not a bad looking guy, but I still have way too much padding. I’m still emotionally fragile.

It might not be a good idea to date, but the alternative to fill all my nights seems even more bleak. I need more work on me. I need to make a final decision about Carrie. I think that will require communicating. I need to be free in my heart before I can offer it to anyone else. In the mean time, I guess I’ll keep on making friends. Sigh, friends.