Letters to The Uninvolved

I’m so frustrated with my situation. I’ve committed to not talking to Carrie. Her sisters birthday came up today and I felt the need to reach out to her at least. Her sister is my friend and she basically ended up playing matchmaker in getting us together. I felt that maybe she would understand more than most. I wrote her a letter, I’ll just paste it here.

Update:: I realized far too late, that this was inappropriate. I sent this letter below, and realized hours later that it was incredibly stupid. It’s nothing I haven’t said 100 times and it was incredibly selfish and stupid to send this to someone on their birthday.

I followed this letter up with a brief apology, saying I’m sorry I did this to her on her birthday that I’m was being overly emotional and reached out to the wrong person. I have no idea what consequences this letter will have. I just know I shouldn’t have sent it and I’m continuing to make mistakes. I will not repeat this mistake. I will not harass Carrie anymore through any means. Anytime I feel the urge, I’ll put it here instead.

I have failed myself, and worse yet, been rude and inconsiderate to someone I consider a friend and whom I care about. I am doing my best to deeply learn a lesson from this mistake. Everything isn’t about me. I need to grow the fuck up sometimes. I’m sorry.


Hi Alicia. I’m sorry we haven’t talked in quite a while. As you can imagine, it hasn’t been easy.

It’s your birthday, Happy Birthday. I do hope it’s a good one. I realized that I’ve never really gotten to explain anything to you. I thought I would at least try.

I’ve done everything I can to try to work things out. Carrie ended up rebounding out with this sleazy guy since day one and we could never get past that. I kept waiting for it to blow over, she deserves WAY better than that dude. But as more and more time passed I couldn’t get any traction. I’ve done everything I can to change my life and become a better person, but every interaction with Carrie was riddled with denial, immaturity and frankly her just dating some other douchebag since a week after all this started. He used to be my friend, he’s a disgusting person, and he hits on everything with legs, I can’t believe it’s happening. Nobody else seems to be able to break through and least of all me.

I’ve lost everything in this and I’m doing my best to just start a new life. I couldn’t get closure, because she’s dating my ex-friend and has been since 2 weeks after this started. I don’t have the patience to ignore that while we try to sort out our problems. I’ve begged her to put that aside so that we could try again, or at least finish our marriage and our business. It seems like she’s obsessed with ignoring the good sense of everyone around her. I think she’s being self destructive, and trust me, dating that guy is self destructive. A 34 year old dude, who’s only ever lived with his mother, and has hit on every ex girlfriend I’ve ever had. All of them were smart enough not to give him the time of day.

He swooped in when Carrie was vulnerable and robbed me of my chance to even have closure with my life. She’s hurting, I know she is. This wouldn’t have dragged out nearly so long if this bullshit wasn’t going on. But it is, I can’t get her to stop and take a breath and realize that she’s worth MUCH more than this, and needs to be okay with being alone for more than 2 weeks. It’s shown me that maybe she’s not as mature as I hoped she was,

Yes I made a mistake. It doesn’t change how I feel about her. I was willing to accept the consequences of my actions, even if it meant the end of my marriage. I’ve made immediate changes in my life to never let this happen to me again. I’ve quit drinking, I’ve lost 50 pounds and still going, I go to 2 therapists every week. I’m changing my life in drastic ways because I failed so much. I work out every day, I rent a room in windsor and I’m trying to pick up the pieces among my friends that have split and taken sides. I’ve lost contact with most everyone I knew.

I don’t know if you think I’m a slimeball for what happened. But I wanted you to know what I’m doing, and what I tried to do. I offered to wipe the slate clean over and over again so that we could just have a conversation. I’ve been waiting so long for her to simply put away this rebound so that I could talk to my wife without anger and hurt. It just never happened. She was so desperately afraid to be alone she grabbed the first thing that popped up, regardless of how terrible a person he is. She grabbed a guy who’s cheated on EVERY girlfriend he’s ever had, who betrayed his only real friend without a second glance.

I’ve tried to put aside my anger in this. If she doesn’t want to work it out, she doesn’t. She doesn’t owe me anything. She can date whoever she wants, no matter how terrible. It doesn’t feel right and it doesn’t feel like adults. It feels like 16 year old high school bullshit. I know that one day she will wake up. One day, at the very least, she’ll realize that she’s dating a horrible person. I have faith that her self-worth will return enough for her to at least not endure that forever. I want her to be happy. I miss her. I miss you guys too. I wanted more than anything to fix this, to deal with my depression and show that I’m never going to allow this to happen again. But I hurt her too much and she couldn’t cope.

I’m moving away soon, everything here is complicated and there’s no forward progress. I’ve finally made the decision to just leave this all alone. I haven’t talked to her in weeks and I’m moving away to San Francisco or Oakland in the next 1-2 months. I’m starting to have to look at my life going forward, and I wish it wasn’t without her. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, except that it’s been endlessly frustrating. The right thing to do in these situations is communicate. Even if it’s your anger, even if it’s your betrayal. You talk about it, you sort it out, for good or bad. Like Adults. I never got that. I needed that but I couldn’t have it. There’s no healthy communication in someone who’s in the middle of rebounding.

I end up writing long winded letters to her sister because nobody that cares about her will say anything to rock her boat. She’s hurt, therefore, everything self destructive she does is justified. It’s not. We should have been able to break up, divorce, or work it out and try again like adults. Instead I get this. Revenge, rebounding, and a complete lack of communication that’s healthy. I prayed and prayed that one of her friends or family would speak up. “You’re not handling this right, you’re not doing what’s best for you” maybe they all have but she continues to slide downhill. She’s losing friends faster than I am because she keeps doing what she’s doing and nobody thinks it’s sane or healthy.

I offered on new years to wipe the slate clean. I offered several times before that to give her as much time and space as she needs, as much communication and closure as she wants. The only condition I had was ‘stop screwing my ex-friend’ I think she knows it hurts me and I think she kept doing it anyway because she doesn’t know how to cope with life. All I’m afraid of now, is that by the time she wakes up. I won’t be here anymore. I’m leaving. I don’t know what else to do. My heart is broken and I’ve been waiting 5 months to see if I could have an adult conversation with this person who was my life, my wife. It’s clear I can’t.

I’ve always thought you were an intelligent person and I do care about you immensely. I doubt there’s anything you can do in this situation. I know from Carrie’s point of view I’m a villain and everything is my fault. I’ve done everything I possibly can to make amends and be mature. Please know that. While I’m moving on and away, I’ll be out of the equation, maybe it will help her. But I’m hoping when I’m not here as a painful reminder, that her friends and her family will be there for her. Not in the passive “she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do” way that they have so far. But actively. She’s hurting, and she’s hurting herself. She’s making terrible choices, ignoring advice, avoiding therapy, and dating a true slimeball. I hope that without me as a painful reminder, that you guys can get through to her, help her, wake her up.

She’s a beautiful and intelligent person. She deserves better than him, better than me maybe. But she deserves better. She deserves to love herself and reach a point where she can finally cope with being alone. She hasn’t been without a significant other in 20 years, not for more than a few weeks. One rebound leads to another, and I’m afraid of where it will lead her. I hope she gets help, I hope she gets happy. If she ever does want to try again, I’m still here, perfectly willing. But I don’t know for how much longer. I will have to start looking forward eventually.

You are like a sister to me, you’ve never been anything but kind. I love you, and I love your sister. Deeply and with my whole heart. I would spend the rest of my life making this up to her if she would let me. I’m not a bad person, and I’m working on becoming a truly good one. I wanted you to know.