Sandpaper On My Mind

For every good day, with happy results, there is often a difficult one. It’s something I’ve come to learn. It’s a direct result of my lifestyle lately. When you go out every day, do new things every day, and keep very busy, things happen more frequently. Good and bad.

Today was complex for multiple reasons. One, I had plans to hang out with Brendan. I’ve actually been very resistant to this because he still lives with Carrie and I can’t seem to keep her off the table, as a topic, when he’s around. We didn’t actually end up hanging out, and I’m secretly relieved. However he did pass on the message from Carrie that the dog (pixel, my dog, formerly.) misses me and she offered to let me take her for a few days.

This was painful because I deeply miss all the dogs, and pixel in particular. She was the closest I had to a dog of my own and I feel her absence sharply. This was a low blow, albeit unintentionally. My quest to not think about carrie was derailed by suddenly thinking about my dog, her missing me, my old life, and all the old thoughts came welling up.

I asked Matlock’s advice and he told me that I have committed to have no contact this month and however indirectly, that this would constitute contact of some form. I agreed and quickly asked Brendan to send my regrets but to state that I’m taking January for myself. How or if this message gets passed on, I can’t say, but there it is. My decisions reaffirmed. It felt right, but painful.

I also had a date today, a coffee date, a simple quick ‘get to know you’ and it was just awful. She was boring, dull, completely in a different mindspace than me. She seemed intent on living the most boring life possible and clearly didn’t really get a lot of joy from life. I made the best of the two hours I spent but it felt like a shitty job interview and I was relieved when it was over.

The process of dating has taken up a lot of my mind lately. I’m focusing next week on working and making money, I’m rapidly approaching the end of my funds. I need to focus on making money and doing it very soon. Dating will take a back seat. So far I haven’t dated anyone that I couldn’t basically put on hold. There’s the new girl Joseida who I like quite a bit, but I’m not counting on anything before I find out more.

I figure I’ll pursue the most promising (Joze, Kashia, Xochi) and bench the rest of the dating world. Between 3 girls I assume I’ll have a few dates a week and that’s plenty for me, for right now.

In the meantime, today the thoughts of Carrie came more frequently and more intently than they have in the past. The pixel thing threw me. I feel that I did survive it, that I’ve succeeded in following through. Passed a test, so to speak.

Let’s work, really work. Go on a few dates. Get through this damn January. Start making money and working on moving away from here. It’s time to start urgency mode. Deadlines loom, money evaporates. It’s time to really get focused on success, the missing piece of my life lately. Keep doing the gym every day, keep eating right every day. Keep losing weight. Keep my chin up and my thoughts positive. Keep on, keeping on.

PS: the new meds (Wellbutrin) has seemingly taken effect and is much more stable at this time, I’m hoping it continues to be effective.