When the Odds Are Against You, Fold

I’m learning, slowly I’m learning. I talked to my therapist, talked about my vanity, my ego, my appearance and really delved deep into why I did what I did, what brought me to this point. It was a bit of a breakthrough, voicing it all in one shot. A lot got said some stuff got processed, it really helped.

I did yoga today for my first time, it was actually quite a bit harder than I thought. By the end I was sore and felt like I had accomplished something. It’s apparent how very inflexible I am. I think about that both physically and mentally. Afterward I felt like I hadn’t kicked my own ass enough and I practiced contact staff spinning for another 45 minutes. Basically I really beat the crap out of myself today. I feel tired, accomplished.

I also did a radio show tonight, comedy talk show style and had a good time. Things in general today, went well. Therapy, exercise, comedy, even had a talk with Cliff about possibly going to Turkey for a month and having him hold my room here for a reduced rate. I’m really looking at the possibility of Turkey, to visit Jay, to get out of this town. I don’t really know what’s waiting for me there. But the culture shock, the complete different setting. Sounds great, sounds utterly distracting, sounds like exactly what I need.

A month to unplug, a month to get away, a month where not thinking about this won’t even be that hard. A physical representation of my clean slate. The opportunity to travel, having a friend there waiting for me. I started out scared but now I’m getting excited. I think it could be really good for me.

I talked to Haley a bit today, I managed to stay positive, the topic of Carrie came up. She told me that Carrie is taking time to herself, that she’s writing in a journal. That her life isn’t all sunshine and flowers. I’m not glad to hear that she’s still sad, but I’m glad that she’s still working through this, reflecting, trying to make progress. I can’t get it out of my head that JJ is an asshole. That he took advantage of a vulnerable person, that he’s only thinking of himself. It’s not what Carrie needs. That’s the worst of it. This isn’t the path toward wellness, the path toward enlightenment. But you can’t drag anyone along with you either. She will have to find it on her own.

The time scale of this is starting to dawn on me, really dawn on me. It took me almost 6 months of intense therapy and reflection to reach some of the conclusions that I’m just now getting. If I were in her position, it would take a lot longer. She’s put things into her own path, obstacles in her life that will make this take longer, be harder. I wish it weren’t so.  I really do want her to be okay, to be happy, when she finally is. I may be gone, it may not be me that makes her happy.  I just worry about her constantly. She’s my best friend, she’s my wife, and when I lost my belongings, my house, my dog, my friends, my safety, my security, I lost the most important thing.

Someone to love, someone to care for, to take care of. Feeling needed, like you’re on a team against the world. I would defend her to the death, I would always be there for her if she’d let me. I want to push the world away from her and let her heal. Instead she drags all the ugliness inside of her. Makes our lives harder to heal from.

The things in life that matter don’t come easy, the harder this is the more I gain from it. The more strength I find in myself. I don’t know if I can stand for things to get any worse. I know now what I can survive, and what kind of growth it can bring about. I want to stand taller. Own the progress I’ve made so far. I still have human failings and human feelings, but today I’ll recognize that I’ve come a long way, and accomplished a lot. I am better than I was, in a myriad of ways.

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