Endless midnight, onward dark

I find myself still angry about Carrie. Still wishing we could talk. I could use her advice about now. Her no nonsense simple logic.

With Alessia, I can talk without a filter. Say embarrassing things, share real fears. With Carrie I often held back from being vulnerable. I can also express complicated concepts and feel that they’re perfectly understood. I can hardly fathom not being the smartest person in the room. I’ve grown so used to talking down to people.

There are things I definitely appreciate about Alessia.

But common sense, a general positive attitude, a belief in the core good of people. The ability to trust. That’s what I miss about Carrie. We got along. We saw the world the same way.

Life has been hard to Alessia she’s been through a lot more than most. It’s left a streak of bitter in her. She’s intelligent, sharp, beautiful and in some ways. Terribly naive. In other ways she’s jaded, cynical.

I almost ended it today. When it came up that she has misgivings. I expressed that I had them too. Immediately she went on the offensive and that almost decided it right there. She stopped herself and told me that she really cares and that she would like a dialogue rather than a decree.

My intent wasn’t to make grand statements anyway. I was just expressing my own misgivings. We did have a dialogue.

I told her what I need from a partner and a relationship. That I need to see someone self sufficient who is working toward stability. She told me that she needs someone reassuring and emotionally in tune. We are both looking at a challenge.

I have reached a limit in some areas. It’s helped me define my boundaries. I need time to myself. I need space to grow as a person. I need to simply date someone and not take care of them.

It’s a whole second story but I fought with my sister and now Alessia doesn’t feel comfortable here and isn’t welcomed by Rachel. I’m pissed at my sister for being immature and a bully. It’s made my life more complicated.

I need a new job. I need my own place to live. I need to be stable. I’m willing to end this relationship if I feel those things are threatened. I’m trying to be mature. I care for Alessia but our habits aren’t healthy. We will find out if we can become healthy or not. I’ve given up control, I’m just working on me and riding the wave.

More later.