One Does Not Simply Walk Into Love

I’ve been blowing off my entire schedule. Working out, blogging, making adjustments on the fly. Making a lot of mistakes. There’s  a few things I can say for my life the last few weeks. It hasn’t been  boring, there’s been almost no down time, and it’s been massively distracting from my earlier problems.

I mentioned that I met this girl. Alessia. She’s very complicated. Part of me at this point is seeing red flags and is tempted to simply bail. But the more tempered part of me, sees her as a human being, hurting, loving, having a difficult time. I’ve decided to set some strict limits with my time, my affection, and my willingness to participate in anything unhealthy.

To be fair, I’ve been throwing my own limits out the window. I’ve been a mess. Having a girl suddenly show up who really likes me, who steals my heart and intrigues me, has caught me by surprise. I was so shocked to find I genuinely liked someone. Who didn’t seem to like me in a detached, I don’t know if I really like you, kind of way. I feel like I’ve been auditioning for dates for months. Coming up short. Scrabbling to show I’m worth being with.

This girl comes along and makes me feel confident, better than average, a real catch. It’s a very nice feeling. She does have anger issues, major anxiety issues. I’ve tried to see if this kind of lifestyle is manageable. I got stuck in a role of taking care of her. She’s new in town, she has little to no support network. My heart went out to her. But I overextended myself. I tried to be everything for her and it blew out all my circuits. I realized I can’t take care of another person. I still can’t take care of myself.

I took some space. I took it at a time when she was getting some bad news and it was really shitty timing. I wish that hadn’t been when I finally got overloaded and needed time to think. Circumstances made it that way and here we are. With me taking space at the worst possible time. I guess we’ll see if there’s even any pieces to pick back up.

I’ve decided to enforce my own limits. Before just giving up. I’m going to dedicate my weekends to socializing, dating, etc. and my week to work, and health. I’m pulling away a huge chunk of support in doing this. I don’t think she ever demanded it, but it’s still hard to take away someones comfort. Their current source of stability.

Maybe she’ll want to keep trying, maybe she will understand. If she doesn’t then it will end anyway. So by clearly setting my limits I’m both doing what I need to stay healthy and if she interprets that as something against her, then it will take care of itself.

I’m moving into Rachel’s house tomorrow. My sister. We haven’t always gotten along although we have more in common than we’d like to admit. We’re both pragmatic, we’re both stubborn, we both consider ourselves ‘realists’. This move is only temporary anyway. A few months here. Before I continue to whatever it is I end up doing.

I have to leave Cliff’s house. It’s gotten very tense. Living as a houseguest when you’re paying rent is somewhat degrading. I pay enough to simply rent a room or be a roommate and be an equal among peers. Not just a pesky nuisance who upsets people’s flow. I also hope to leave in somewhat good graces. They’ve really been kind to me and as soon as it was identified that my welcome was worn out I immediately made plans to vacate. I wish it hadn’t required me digging for the information but there it is.

Moving again, realizing I own nothing. I have a computer, and clothes. The desk and the bed I use are Cliffs. I’m getting a dresser from Rachel, a desk from a friend, a bed from another friend. I’m starting to amass belongings again because I finally need to. It’s so weird to think about.

It’s Carries birthday tomorrow. Hell, it’s 2 minutes to midnight. It’s been on my mind a lot. My current adventures in complicated dating & feelings have helped pull my attention away from all this. In some ways I’m incredibly grateful. It gave me a dose of perspective I sorely needed. It helped me see that there’s nothing there for me. Nothing to be accomplished except torturing myself.

Yet her birthday rolled around. I care, I still do. I bought her a watercolor painting and framed it. It’s of Zelda from one of our favorite video games. I’m including a photo. It’s a princess. It reminds me that she’s not a bad person. That in fact, she’s a person deserving of great love and respect. That I wish she saw her self with the dignity and grace that I know she’s capable of.

I still have no idea how to communicate with her, what to say, if anything. I simply wrapped the present and I drove down to drop it off with her roommate. She was standing in the doorway of the house, silhouetted by a light. I didn’t recognize her outline. I didn’t even realize who it was. I pulled up and started texting Brendan to come grab the gift and I realized that I stared right at her and went back to my phone. It was surreal. I dropped the picture off with Brendan and I drove away. Minutes later I got a text –

“Thank you, it’s lovely”

It was nice of her to say, she didn’t take my last gift with the same grace. I had no idea what to say back. I said nothing. My mind is still lost when pointed that direction. I know I care, I try to show it with my actions. A gift on christmas, a gift on her birthday. Remembering the most important things. All that comes out of my heart, my mouth and my hands is flawed, angry nonsense. I’ve learned to stifle them and focus on myself. I just wanted to do something kind and show that I don’t hate her. I don’t know that I can do anything else, but it’s something.

This quest to become a better person is infinitely more complex than I had anticipated. It’s not a state of being, it’s a constant struggle. There’s not a level where you’re just great. The struggle makes it count, makes it tangible. If it were easy for me to always say and do the right thing, it wouldn’t really matter. I’m learning to love a challenge, to see difficulty as a test, not a punishment. I’m trying. God I’m still trying. I haven’t cried about her in weeks, but I guess I’ll break that streak for her birthday. She’ll never know. But I gave her a painting to remind her she can be a princess again, and I cried to remind myself that I am still no prince.

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