The Tangled Webs We Leave

Oh my god. It’s been a full week, a week full of adventure, pain, sorrow, joy and a million things I can’t identify.

It all started at the skill share in Oakland, I went with Bob to practice staff spinning (new physical hobby).  This girl appeared from nowhere to try out the venue. We helped her get introduced and then went onto our own devices.

Later I noticed her standing there, looking a bit lost and unsure. I reached out and asked her what she wanted to learn. She told me that she didn’t know yet and I offered to show her what I was working on. She agreed and for the next two hours I showed her my own meager skills spinning . It was chill and fun. Eventually we got to talking. Her Dad had recently passed away, we bonded over that briefly. She had picked up from LA to San Francisco to start a new life, using this tragedy as inspiration to seize the day.

It also turned out that we had some mutual friends. Jon and Rachel. She needed a place to crash and I got her in touch with them and it seemed a happy ending. I asked her about going to lunch the next day and she happily agreed. The next day we met up and started talking. We talked for what seemed like 10 hours. About everything and anything. She was well spoken, intelligent, fierce, funny. We seemed to bond very quickly.

That night she told me that she’s had insomnia since her Dad passed away and can’t sleep. Having been through a lot of that myself lately I understood completely. We ended up hanging out at my house through the whole night talking more. During this time nothing physical had arisen, we simply were deeply enjoying each others company.

The next day we set off to run some errands she had to do. I had the day free and we ended up spending that day together, and the next. Soon our first date had turned into a non-stop 4 day bonding experience. Like we both had so much to pour from our hearts and finding a kindred spirit was so shocking and exciting that we couldn’t let it go.

Over the course of these days, she told me that she has rage issues, some form of bi-polar disorder that manifests itself as an ‘attack’ of sorts. It was odd enough to hear about, although I get that it’s a mental condition and out of her control. However during a tense moment, after a huge lack of sleep, an episode got triggered. It was pretty terrible. She said hateful things and stormed out of the house and screamed at me.

Afterward it was very awkward. When it all calmed down. She apologized, explained that she felt like she had no control over her actions. She told me she’d understand if I never wanted to talk to her again. It was so strange and different than all our other interactions, that I couldn’t process it for a while. I took a day to reflect and calm down.

Later I told her that I certainly don’t want to go through that again, she agreed and said that if it did happen she would remove herself from the situation on her own. I thought that was a good sentiment. She really likes me, and to be honest I really like her. We’ve opted to take it slow, leave labels off the table and get to know each other better. My friends and therapist says this is a red flag of course. But I don’t feel like I’m the flawless example of human perfection either. I guess I can relate more lately to someone who does things out of their control or compulsively.

I’m very careful, treading lightly and keeping my emotional distance. But it’s nice at least to really like someone, to have them really like me. She thinks I’m handsome and likes me the way I am. She’s beautiful and smart. Who knows? It’s scary, to think it won’t work out, and to think it might work out. For now I’m just focusing on work. She went back to LA for a few weeks so I have time to really process my thoughts and see how I feel about all this. It’s a blessing really.

I will take this time to take stock, reflect, exercise (been slacking on that front), and make money. It also looks like I’ll be moving in with my sister in Santa Rosa, things have gotten tense in my household and I’ll write more about that later. Goodnight cruel world. My mind is tangled, my heart is conflicted, my eyes are full of sand. Goodnight.