Freedom is Cruel Sometimes

When I was with carrie I knew where I stood in the world. If things were good or bad, we were still married. We would have to work it out. It was a form of promise and something we accepted as reality. Now being on my own. I have no such agreement with anyone. I didn’t call Alessia today because she’s been moody and withdrawn. I didn’t want to deal with it. I realized, I don’t have to.

I simply don’t. I feel plenty obligated, but here I have this freedom. What’s going to happen? Will she break up with me? Maybe. If so it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

I’ve realized how scared I am of women and their displeasure. My instinct with partners is to placate. To be afraid to say no. I’m always scared of losing them. That they will leave me. Part of my codepencey.  There’s one advantage to dating Alessia. She let’s me keep my distance. Every step is methodical and even difficult,  there’s so much friction I know it may not work out. Yet I like her and care for her. It’s an interesting dynamic. Knowing it could end any day but also that I care.

I’m afraid to lose her but not at the cost of how I want to be treated. It’s a good time to exercise caution, restraint. I’m taking the day to myself. Work is kicking in and I’ve got a lot to do. I’ll focus on that.

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