It’s Getting Awful Dark

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’ve been incredibly tired. Just exhausted all the time. I sleep 10+ hours and nap in the middle of the day and do it again the next day. I’ve done the kind of marathon sleeping that accompanies deep depression but this just feels like exhaustion, not necessarily depression.

I feel like my meds might be playing a role. I recently stepped my dose back up to 2x . I’ve felt like they’re not doing much for me lately. I know that I may have acclimated, and before I just bail off them entirely I’m trying something new. I’ve gone to this dose before and at the time it drove up my anxiety. But my mood and my energy are so low that I’m willing to try it at this point. Better anxious than just in a coma.

I’ve been dating this new girl Bonnie, just casually. I actually have another date with a girl I’ve had coffee with before. I’m also going to Sacramento, Oakland and San Francisco this week for shows etc. Most of those shows are with Bramani. She’s my new friend, and it’s complicated.

Girls are always complicated. Bramani was dating my friend Bob, they’re both intelligent and amazing people. But they fumbled the relationship and it didn’t work out. Bob recovered quickly, Bramani did not. We ended up using each other to bitch and kvetch about our relationships. We somehow¬†formed a fairly platonic bond talking about some of our deepest feelings. Maybe it was easier because we were total strangers a few months ago, and we had nothing to risk in our relationship. Either way it’s been beneficial. We speak very honestly and positively to each other. It’s strange because it’s fairly platonic (although she’s a bombshell) and so far I’m content with that concept. I don’t need another complication in my life, or another girl to want/chase/pursue. I think she probably feels the same and on top of that I’m not sure I’m her type anyway. However we have found a close bond and a friendship in the midst of the tornado.

I’ve been supporting her at her performances and we talk randomly throughout the day. I wonder at my life. Having a beautiful girl, I’m not pursuing, whom we talk very seriously and therapeutically about relationships and where we went wrong. I feel like I’m in a parody of my own life sometimes.

Meanwhile Bonnie I can tell is into me and I do like her as well, but I think she’s probably looking for a serious boyfriend and I’m not sure I’m ready for that game again so soon. Part of me thinks ‘why not’ just do what you do. Another part of me says that I’m still damaged, that emotionally involving myself in a relationship isn’t fair to whoever I’m entering it with.

Meanwhile, after finding out that Carrie had finally broken up with JJ, and then having to talk with her about taxes has reared it’s own set of gigantic emotional implications. I’ve tried to stay calm and distant from it. Part of my mind is tripping over itself to finally talk, to finally scream “thank god, maybe we can be friends now” but I don’t have any sign of that being true.

I have to drop off some tax forms, I can do it while she’s there or not there. Part of me wants to do it while she’s there. She hasn’t seen me in 4 months probably. I’ve lost weight, part of me wants to show what I’ve accomplished. That might be shallow but it’s honest. I want to prove that in this space of time that I’ve cut my hair, lost weight, taken care of myself, worked out, part of me wants to jam the healthy things I’ve done in her face, because of how unhealthy she’s been. It’s not the attitude I need, I know that. I’m not going to do it.

Practicing honesty is something I’ve thought about a lot. It’s easier to be honest when you’re not scared. Things are so screwed right now that I’m not really scared anymore, just coasting. Being honest doesn’t hurt or threaten me as much. I can say that I’m doing things I’m not proud of and not feel so shitty that I’m a human being.

I’m changing my meds, working this week, getting out to a bunch of shows. Trying to get in swimming and working out whenever possible. I overdid it last week and I’ve been sore for days, so I’m trying to pace myself a bit more. Matlock had his girlfriend leave for Thailand for a year yesterday. He’s going to be a mess and leaning on me a lot in the upcoming weeks. I know I have to be strong for that, and frankly it’s easier to be strong for someone else.

I talked to my sister Rachel and made plans to stay here for another few months. It’s really not what I want, I wanted to move on and out, but I can’t afford it now. My car has sucked up huge amounts of money and my credit is at an end, I need to buckle down and cope for a few months and get on top of my finances. It’s gone from a background noise to my first priority. So be it. Money, work, finances. Let’s do those. Keep working out, tweak these meds or get off them. If life isn’t working for you the way it is, change it. That’s what I’m doing. Changing it. Dating, working, who knows? It all sounds so simple, yet so complicated.

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