It’s Life, But Not as We Know It

Well I’ve certainly fallen off the wagon of blogging.

First, I split up with Alessia. Another breakup is something I hoped to avoid, hurting someone, getting hurt. All these things happened and I had hoped for otherwise the entire time.

We were together for roughly 2 months when it was all said and done. It came at a time of emotional turmoil and guarded emotions for both of us. Perhaps why it worked in the first place, probably why it didn’t work out in the long run.

She was gone in LA for two weeks, over that period of time she blew up at me once over something relatively small, we didn’t talk for a few days and for the rest of the two weeks she was depressed, silent, withdrawn and relatively unavailable both emotionally and barely responding to text or phone calls.

At the end of the two weeks I was supposed to drive to LA, to join her for Renn Fair, something she was tremendously excited about. I found out my car engine is dead. It’s going to ¬†cost about 4000 to fix, which by the way, I don’t have. This came as a blow and I kind of freaked out. I had a loaner car to drive to LA but I wasn’t sure of it’s reliability, I also had to start making money asap. I called and told her I wouldn’t be able to make it.

Not only was I dreading telling her (she doesn’t take bad news well) but I was already having a difficult time. My anxiety was through the roof. 20 minutes into the conversation it was a train wreck, she was wounded and hurt and angry. She told me that maybe this isn’t working for her, I told her I agreed. She flipped out, accused me of dumping her, said some mean things and hung up on me.

I realized that whether or not my intent was to actually break up with her, that the deed was done. I felt lighter, more free. Hurt yes, sad yes, but like a weight was off my chest. I realized that I wasn’t particularly happy. I care about her deeply, I’m attracted to her, I respect her, but she never really trusted me and I didn’t like the way I felt around her about half the time. She was what I needed at the time. Someone to suck up all my attention, someone to take the focus off Carrie and my problems for long enough to get some perspective. I can see what benefit she yielded me. My intent was never to use her but I think she served a purpose regardless.

We did a post-mortem on the relationship, we talked for about 4-5 hours about what went wrong, how we felt. There were wounds on both sides already. We kept our cool, we were rational. At the end the hurt became overwhelming. She made it very clear that she didn’t want things to end, that she saw me as a long term partner and would have re-defined our relationship in order to keep it. I was glad that she cared so much, but it didn’t change that we both weren’t ready to be in a serious relationship. She needs to grieve and recover, I need to do the same, still after all this time.

Her leaving left a rapid void in my life. She had taken all of my concentration for 2 months, suddenly I had nothing to focus on. She doesn’t want to hear from me or talk to me. I don’t blame her, she’s hurt and she wants to get over me. It’s actually the smartest idea. It doesn’t change that I miss her, that I feel her absence, and the growing resurgence of my depression about Carrie as well.

I ended up meeting another girl (how the hell?) I was at a party with a friend, ended up chatting up a nice girl. Got her number, made a date, hit it off. Now we’re dating. Nothing serious at all. We haven’t discussed anything emotional. We’ve just gone on a few dates, slept together, it’s something I’m keeping very casual for the time being. The last thing I want is yet another relationship. The new girl, Bonnie, is nice, geeky, chill. She’s a good deal younger (25) it’s nice to have some company but I can’t help a sense of guilt and complication to already be dating someone else.

I still miss Alessia, I still miss Carrie, I’m tired of having to guard my feelings at every turn, and not talking to everyone I care about. I’m not particularly happy with my position in life right now. I’m swimming in debt, barely working. The only thing I’ve managed to do positively is start swimming again. I’ve made it out 4 times this week, I’m trying to start exercising daily again. So I have that going for me.

My weight has been stable but going nowhere, hopefully the renewed exercise should help. My therapy is erratic. My car is in the shop perpetually. My two ex’s cloud my mind and I have to keep my distance from the only girl in my life right now because I can’t stand more complication. Luckily that’s not yet an issue.

I have work to do, but no motivation. I feel stuck, landlocked, stagnant and stale again. I need to jumpstart my life. Work out every day, start working every day, save some money, improve my situation. Get off my meds and start really hitting life again with gusto. I’m not sure how to do it, but I’m going to try. Challenge myself, try new things again. Stop living in this new fear.

I’ve had to talk to Carrie several times, regarding insurance and medical bills. We’ve managed to do most of it by text and focus only on the facts. She told me that she hopes I’m okay, I was ready to ignore it, but I finally broke down and told her that I’m not doing particularly well, that things are difficult right now. She threw some cliche at me and then got distracted with work. It felt weird, hollow. We clearly don’t know what to say to each other.

I keep wondering if there’s any point in having contact. She’s not dating JJ anymore (Thank Fucking God) according to the information I’ve gotten recently. Which is great, but me reaching out might not do us any good, or drive her right back to it. I’ve waited and waited for her to at least stop dating that asshole. To pull out the dagger that’s been in my chest for 6 months. Now that it’s gone I find myself fearful, mistrusting, wary. I don’t believe it, I don’t trust it. I want to see her be single, stay single, do something goddamned healthy for once. I’m waiting on the fringes to see if she starts to actually live her life yet.

I still miss her, I want to reach out, but I don’t know what the point is just yet. I’m going to run it by friends before I do anything. I’ve learned that much.

Well, life, you’re caught up. Split with Alessia, didn’t go well, started swimming again, starting casually dating. Life plods along. It feels like an endless grey wave lately. Next step, Medication management.

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