Now I Feel Everything

I feel that I spent so long feeling just one emotion.  Shame or depression maybe. It was a dark place. The long undertow of bleak reflection allowed me a stillness. The ability to crystallize a point in time and bathe in its effects.

Lately I feel swarmed in the minutae of every day life. Dating. Working. Performing. It’s infinitely more distracting. I have fallen off the wagon. My weight is steady but not moving. My exercise is erratic at best.

I’ve had some ups and downs with Alessia. One thing I appreciate about her is her ability to be self aware and to self analyze. She has problems. But her ability to see them and identify the effect on her wellbeing is frankly amazing. We talked yesterday about how our relationship might not be healthy. That we both might not be emotionally available. It was a serious talk. I find myself wishing that Carrie and I had the ability to talk like this. There was so many times I tried to initiate healthy communication. It just fell by the wayside.

It’s not just her. We weren’t willing to put in the effort. We were both naive and didn’t have the coping skills to make our lives better. I’m assuming she still doesn’t.

Now with Alessia I find myself on the brink of a bigger decision. But the communication is so much clearer. I feel that at least we will both learn something from each other. Even if it doesn’t work out.

There’s a certain mark that tragedy and despair leaves on you. I thought that Carrie had it, but I’ve come to realize that her situation was neglect, hardship. Not the same thing. When you’ve seen the dark underbelly of life that most people get to avoid, it changes you. I’ve always been more serious. More aware of my mortality.   Because I saw what dysfunction did when taken to the extreme.

It’s like losing your innocence. Once it’s gone it’s gone. Carrie retained hers through denial. Because nothing ever concluded for her. Her family showed her that life can be ignored and you will just keep on living. Eventually the truth will rear it’s head. But denial is denial. I still want to be healthy, honest, open, compassionate.

I keep thinking that the time, the months, I’ve given her will finally let her wake up.  The silence is so thick now it’s like having a million miles between us. Opening that door again feels like it would hurt us both.

I imagine things ending with Alessia. At least we would be on the same page. I would mourn it. I’m sure. But it feels like an ordeal I could survive. I think it’s important to know you’ll be ok no matter what. I know that a sense of intellect, a healthy self awareness, and a willingness to communicate about difficult things, are things I want in a partner. Moving forward.

It’s a new week. I’m going to swim this week. Work this week. Exercise. Next weekend I’ll likely be in LA visiting Alessia. I’m less afraid of adventure. Driving 8 hours away. Crashing on couches. Having no game plan or return schedule. It’s part of that freedom I’ve been ignoring and not utilizing.

She keeps me busy, and inspires me to take chances. To trust in the universe. For that alone I’m glad I know her. There’s a lot of details I’m not expounding on here. I’m way out of date. I’ll write more this week. I miss my words, spilling out what I feel to the universe. I’ll focus more. I’m back.