On the Path of the Beaten

Alessia left the other day for LA, we left on a generally positive note. However today, I forgot she logged into my Pandora account and I accidentally linked my facebook account to it. Shouldn’t have been a big deal. Except Alessia hates facebook, is a huge proponent of online privacy and it’s basically one of the worst things I could have done to set her off. I quickly realized my mistake and apologized. She lost it. Went off on me. I quickly did everything I could to disconnect my account and fix all the issues, but she was extremely livid.

I did everything I could to erase the mistake, she was pissed that facebook might have her information, which she purposely keeps away from. Honestly because that’s a priority for her I understand why it’s a big deal. However her treatment of me during this was downright mean. After it was sorted out, I took a step back.

Hours later, I found myself angry, hurt. I really didn’t like how I was treated. I found myself in doubt all over again about continuing the relationship. She did cool off and texted me an apology. I was in no mood to hear it. I told her I need the day to cool off myself and that the way she treated me was not acceptable. She agreed to give me the day to myself.

She’s simply unstable. Something can set her off and if it’s big enough, it’s Hiroshima. I’ve dated volatile women before. I’m pretty good at defusing situations like that. This seemed more extreme. I found myself wishing that she was more like other people. Some of her extreme differences are very appealing to me. I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it too. Dating someone who is unique in this way has some very large caveats.

We had already talked about potentially ending things. I told her I didn’t want to end things because one of us was angry, but rather to make a mutual informed decision. So I’m trying not to have a knee jerk reaction to just being treated like shit. It does fill me with more doubts and push me away.

I’ll cool off, I’ll talk with her tomorrow. I don’t anticipate that the conversation will go that well. I was also supposed to go to LA this weekend and Jon (whom I was going down there with) told me the fair registration we were going to might be cancelled. So I might not go to LA this weekend after all. Which means we might have quite a while before we see each other again. I think the space and time is probably good. Lets us think objectively.

I went to Skill share today, practiced staff. My back ended up hurting after about an hour of practice. My new bed is extremely firm and has been causing me no end of trouble. I just bought the damn thing and paid a pretty good amount and it’s really not working for me. No refunds, no exchanges. I bought it from a friend who moved. I don’t think she minded it, but it’s not good for me. Random shit right? My back hurts, I had an argument over facebook today. I find it interesting. These are smaller problems. These are day to day problems. I’m trying not to let them consume me, like they may have in the past.

Focusing on the bigger picture. I need to exercise this week. To blog this week. To work this week. Focus on myself and my priorities. It seems like I might have the space and time to do that. I intend to follow through with positive behavior this week.

I didn’t think about Carrie today. I feel the need to mention it because it’s so often on my mind, but I honestly just didn’t think about it. I guess it’s rare but happening more and more that I simply don’t think about her in a given day. The few times I see my relationship being unhealthy or difficult, I think about her and her escapes. How we are probably in a similar situation.

Albeit, I waited 6 months, I didn’t date anyone who was a friend of hers. Yeah I wasn’t fucked up about it. But part of me knows that I enjoy this as a distraction. That the dysfunction is an escape. I wondered constantly how Carrie could stay with such an obvious asshole. I realize that the ongoing difficulty of doing just that is probably all consuming. It probably eats up her thought cycles like it does to me. Keeps her busy, keeps her distracted. If she was dating a decent human being she might have too much time to think. Ditto for just being alone.

I feel that I tried to take as much healthy time as I could to mourn, to recover, to try to be a better person. I have to keep doing that. I have to keep improving myself. I ate well today, I worked out today. Let’s keep it rolling this week. I am my own motivational speaker. Goodnight.

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