The Long Dark Nap of The Soul

I don’t feel right.

I don’t know if it’s meds or depression. I can’t seem to get motivated. It feels weird because my depression isn’t present but the symptoms are. I couldn’t get out of bed today. I find myself exhausted without doing anything. Nothing sounds appealing and I can’t go work out.

I saw my sister Nelly today. Had lunch and that went well. Afterwards all my energy was just gone.

A few days ago I had a traffic accident where a 17-18 year old kid on Rollerblade flew in front of my car from a blind corner. He seems okay, but it scared me immensely. He also might go through my insurance for his checkup. So there will likely be a big insurance song and dance. I had to call Carrie to let her know. Because we are both on the same insurance still.

Its the first time we talked since new year’s. It wasn’t exactly the conversation I envisioned us having.

I felt like a supplicant. Embarrassed, ashamed. It was at odds with my anger, my resentment. The conversation was awkward to say the least. I tried to just stick to the facts. She was understanding. I know that she is good in a crisis. I miss that. She was always calm when shit hit the fan. She took it all well. 

I could feel everything unspoken between us like a boulder on my chest. Like a thick choking fog even over the phone. I ended the call as soon as possible. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t know what else to say. 

As usual. Thoughts of her throw me into doubt. Into chaos. Everything was over analyzed. I missed her. I wanted to talk to her. To reach out more. The facts remain the same. Nothing to be gained I suppose. Nothing has really changed. 

When will it be over? I imagine we will talk someday. Be friends someday. There’s just this jackass in the way. I keep thinking there must be a way around this. A way to think myself through this. The illusion of control. 

Her brother told me that he spoke with her. Told her that JJ is a loser. That he is not at all what she wants or needs. God it felt good.  To hear someone say what’s burning in my heart. She admitted that she is using him. As she has so many times before. Maybe the truth will take hold someday. Maybe then we can talk. I miss her.