Can I Please Have My Mind Back?

My brain is occupied, it’s full. I talked to Brendan today, he told me that Carrie and JJ are still spending time together. It’s not as big of a shock as I thought it might be. It’s still disappointing. I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of stepping back while this shit continues. I’ve left this alone for months. I’ve dated, fallen in love, dwelled in depression, reveled in self-improvement, nothing seems to fix any of this.

I don’t need her in my life to survive, I don’t need her in my life. I do feel I need to figure this out. It’s one thing if she died or moved away, if we fought like bitter rivals. We don’t. We are both just sad, and scared. Lost and alone. I long to simply talk to her without hesitation. To tell her how I feel with no filter, like I have never done before.

She doesn’t need to be with me, or try again. I just still need closure. To be a friend, or enemy, to leave it alone or run through it screaming. I’m sick, sick of waiting, sick of standing 20 feet away and ignoring it. Sick of watching her just sink further and further into a depressed mess. Sick of watching myself with a distasteful distance to not feel anymore.

Several people have asked me lately if I would consider reconciling with her. I told them I don’t know. That it would depend on her being an adult, on wanting to  try, on putting away this childish escape she’s obliged herself into.

God she looks sad, worn, tired. I ache to help, to make her feel better. I can’t leave it alone. I feel that these months have gone by just waiting and waiting for something to not be terrible. Just ignoring it. I offered to do whatever it takes to talk. She said she’d think about it. Here I am, again, waiting on her whim. Asking her damaged mind to expose itself to hurt again. I don’t want it to be hurt. I want to help, to lift her up and show her that we don’t need to keep escaping. To let her see what she’s worth and how much better than this she could be.

I’m not being unrealistic. I know that tomorrow I might get a message saying “I’m not ready” and that will be that. I’ll go back to my life. But part of me wants to stand up. To be counted. To say “No” we should talk. I have things to say. Not negative, hurtful things. I can’t live with myself thinking that she’s still crying every day. That every day she still mourns this. I’ve tried just going the hell away. I left her alone and didn’t say a word for a very long time. She’s still a mess. I don’t want to rob her of however long this takes. To let her keep hurting herself.

Honestly, life. I would be willing to reconcile. I once said that being in love is being faithful, even when your trust is broken. It’s trying when it seems hopeless. It’s caring when they’re spitting in your face. It’s having hope when all is lost. I didn’t sign up for a life with her to just walk away when she’s hurt. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together again, but I want so badly to give her what she needs. Closure, distance, hope, love. I don’t know. I want to see her smile again and have it be real.

If I thought dating an asshole was helping, or ignoring her was helping, that she was getting better. I would walk away, I would let life take it’s course if that’s what best for her. I don’t think it is. She’s scared, sad, living in fear. I know that feeling. It’s what brought me to this point, it’s what made me crush my life. I know the whole time I was so depressed and so alone, even in our relationship. I wished and hoped for her to save me. To see my anguish and step in and confront it with overwhelming willpower and love. I want to do for her what she couldn’t do for me. Be there. See the pain that she’s in and recognize it. Truly try to help from a place that’s not cynical, ironic or bitter. Be the hero that we all need in our lives at some point. That one person that can rise above and be better. Better than they have before, better than the average. Your friends, your family, your parents, they all have their lives.

My life was her. I don’t know what it is without her. I’ve been trying to find out. I don’t know that I like it. I don’t know that it’s what’s best for me. Only that it’s something I can survive. I want to turn the world off so we can speak in a void where nothing can touch us. We had that once. We had that space that was for us alone. I’ve never thrown my soul into anyone like I did with her. I’ve never let myself care about anyone like I have with her. I’ve told myself over and over that life won’t give you that storybook ending, that it just happens like it happens. You can’t control it, and you can’t just have what you want.

People can’t have a million dollars, they can’t write a perfect novel. They can’t be movie stars. They can’t find real love. Except that some do. Are they just lucky? Or do they work harder for it? I’ve played a selfish game for so long. I’ve just reacted and stumbled and fell through life. Maybe there is a way to do it right. I just have to find it. I just have to show it. Be it, live it. There’s no magic bullet, but I’m smart. I’m so fucking smart. I know that anything is possible. I know that I could make what I want a reality if I was driven enough. Every other person in life just says “oh well” that’s what happens. But winners try, and fail. Success is something more. 6 months ago, I could barely walk, I weighed way too much, I drank and I smoked and I played video games all day.

Now I write, and I work out. I dance, and I spin fire. I’ve lost 60 pounds and it doesn’t hurt to walk anymore. I don’t drink, I never will again. I don’t do drugs, I hardly ever play games anymore. I’ve proved that I can change my life, do what needs to be done. So why am I so sad? Why do I feel like a failure? There’s one real test I failed and passing every other one doesn’t help. I have to believe that anything is possible. To smile again.

Maybe it will take another 6 months. Maybe it won’t be with her. But I want to be the victor. I want to walk away from this knowing that I didn’t just try, I goddamned annihilated it. I will be the bigger person. Fuck JJ, take drugs, cry your eyes out. You won’t make me not care. You won’t make me just give up.

When I want to be loved it’s by someone who would move the fucking moon to make it happen. I want to do that back. To scare love with the fury of my commitment. If it’s not Carrie that I’m destined to be with, then I will become so awesome that the one I am destined to be with will notice the glow of me furiously trying to be love incarnate. It’s time to stop pissing and moaning. Stop being shallow and hurt by things that simply don’t matter. I will show her the best of me, and a side she’s never seen. Then she can take or leave it.

I’m not trying to win her back, I’m trying to be the kind of person I’ve only dreamed could exist. Let her see that and cast it away, then I’ll know she’s wrong for me. I just have to get there first. I’m not forcing anything, I’m not going to bombard her with drama. I’m just going to start being better and better, and get back the fire that fuels change. Burn in it, until I’m perfect alone. Then become perfect with someone.

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