Even when things go Right, Things go Wrong

I had a friend tell me that writing about your problems can also be problematic. It makes me feel better about not blogging very regularly lately. The latest news is that I met with Carrie today. We finally made plans to talk. I suggested we have something casual like coffee, to get a feel for where we’re at. Instead of just jumping into therapy or serious talking. 

I felt like she was guilty the whole time. She seemed to be treating me like I was made of glass. I was more afraid of her being fragile than myself. I did lose my composure a few times and cry, but for the most part I stayed cool and positive. She did the same. We both talked somewhat about light and inconsquential things. We did touch on some heavier topics but I refrained from getting into pulled into anything too serious. I’ve tried to be honest and kind. I told her I have no idea what I’m doing, no idea what to do next. I told her that she can tell me her thoughts on how to proceed as well. 

She mentioned divorce and counseling, she mentioned talking to a lawyer about divorce. I told her it’s really not necessary that we can do a no-contest divorce in fairly simple terms. I think she’s being cautious and I think that she isn’t sure if that’s a safe route, but we really don’t have any assets together and I don’t care to take anything from her. 

This all started with me being the villain. Now after months of her being shallow, self destructive. I find her apologizing to me for everything. It makes me feel strange. She told me that she still cries every day, that she’s finally on anti-depressants. She’s worse off than I am, she is just starting down the path I’ve been walking for 5-6 months. 

I feel for her, but we’re not in sync. I don’t know how to proceed. I told her I would take some time to digest and evaluate how I feel and we’ll go from there. That’s my next job I suppose. But it seems too big to comprehend. For today I’ll reflect and relax, it’s been emotional.