Please Set Down Your Burden and Walk Away

I beg myself in my own head to listen to reason. To walk away. 

I’ve been avoiding this. Avoiding thinking about it. Avoiding doing anything. Chasing girls and distractions. I simply couldn’t let myself fall in this hole again. I felt myself slipping back so quickly. To all the pain and anger and sorrows. 

Things aren’t different. Nothing has changed. I wished and hoped that months of time would help. I wished it so hard, I fooled myself into thinking it must be true. As hard as it is to admit. I was wrong. I opened communication hoping that this could be better. So often I seek control. Need to manage the situation

I need to let go.  Not just of her, but immature expectations. That I have a say in people’s lives. That anyone would do what I want. I worry about controlling everyone and I can’t control myself. I put my hand in the fire and it still burns. 

I’m shallow and selfish sometimes . I’ve lost sight of fixing that. I’ve been working out seven days a week, I feel great. Better than ever. I’m having great sex, I’m happier every day, I feel more hopeful. I’m going to keep it up, keep looking for work, focus on myself and helping others. I’m still scared, and damaged. I can’t let that keep me from trying again. 

I’ll leave Carrie alone. Again. I tried universe. I really did. I both failed and watched failure. After watching what fair weather friends will do, what unhealthy people will do. I’m finally learning what is important. I will surround myself with joy, improvement, these new friends are driven, dedicated. Once I would have laughed and derided circus people. Most of them make more than me, live better and happier than me. What the hell do I know?  

There’s a new life waiting for me. Just in the edges of my vision. I have to grab it and flow into it. Let it consume me in a good way. Wash away who I used to be.  I need a fresh start badly . 

I like a smile on my face, my muscles sore from effort. 

I like who I am when I’m succeeding.