The State of this Union

I feel like I’m in an uneasy truce. That I’m holding delicately over an abyss. On one side, anger, resentment. On the other, sorrow, loss, failure. 

Carrie and I talked the other day and I’m endeavoring to determine how I feel about it. A friend of mine asked me today if I thought there was any chance of getting back together or working it out. I told her I honestly didn’t know. The last thing Carrie told me with any clarity is that we were done. Now I see us 6 months later. Pained, careworn, miserable, I can’t help but feel that working it out might be the best thing, we both are in misery.

Then I think of our trust, how it was broken on both sides, how far we both fell. How a lot of our problems aren’t simply going to go away. We still have friction, we still don’t work well together. I know I feel different, that my approach to life is quite different. I can’t imagine going back to how things were. We could never just resume the life we led.  All of this is vague, conjecture. There’s no sign that she ever wants to try again. None. I’m still not sure if I would if I could. Things went very wrong and it may not be the best idea to jump into that again. 

Here I am, mind spinning again. She does this to me. My heart went out to her when we talked. I still can’t stand to see her cry and her hand on my arm for reassurance while I cried meant more to me than the million hugs I’ve had since we stopped talking. We both acknowledged that it’s been terrible, difficult. She’s finally on meds, starting to stabilize, but it might be too early to even expect reality and coherency. 

I wish she hadn’t put healing on hold. I tell myself that if this hadn’t affected her so deeply it might mean she didn’t care that much. Or is it pride? Is it ego? Or is it just that she cared so much? Some combination. It’s easy to attribute perfect emotions or mind states to someone else. They’re just ‘angry’ or just ‘jealous’ but in reality it’s often a dozen things at once. Some noble, some ignoble. 

I also found out that I owe probably 12-13 thousand in taxes. I didn’t expect for all this to happen and when it did I couldn’t bring myself to care about the consequences. Now months later the reality is stacking up. Divorce, taxes, bills, credit cards. I’ve barely managed to keep myself afloat while I accumulate debt. I guess this is what really being an adult feels like. Grown up problems. I need a major new job asap. Today, laundry, clean my space, cleanse my head. Tomorrow, job hunting in force. 

As for what to do about Carrie, I’ve asked her for a dialogue. Communication and it’s clarity has become so important to me in regards to anything to do with us. I would prefer a give and take. I no longer wish to cast down judgements or decisions, I have no urge to simply be dismissed or categorized either. I’m giving my honest mind at every step. That I simply don’t know how to proceed, but that I think talking more is probably a good idea. We will go from there. 

Dating continues, I’m not sure I see this as a conflict or not. I’m not invovled in anything serious that I couldn’t simply drop without preamble. I miss Alessia, but she won’t talk to me at all. I still see Bonnie but we seem content to leave things very casual, which suits me perfectly right now.