We Wash Ourselves in Grey

I stepped up my meds and for a while it helped. I had more energy, if anything I was barely sleeping. Went from too much sleep, to too little.

Carrie and I had to talk about taxes, we texted back and forth about some details, it seems it opened the gate. We weren’t saying anything personal, but suddenly small questions found their way in. She texted me about some stuff in the garage and other random things that I’m sure have been stacking up.

It made me very uncomfortable, to suddenly text like everything was okay. I’m still hurt, and angry. I know she split up with JJ but I know they still see other at times as well. I keep finding this out by random proxy and people talking about it. I want her to be single, to find herself and her place in this. To finally deal with her feelings. She can’t do it with him in the picture, I fear she can’t do it with me in the picture either.

Every time we texted, it reminded me of things, and stirred up a lot of emotions. Finally I asked her to stop texting me about trivial things. I did it in a very nice way and explained that it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like how we ended things and to pretend that all is fine right now, doesn’t sit well with me. She’s been immature, a child about a lot of this and I don’t want to reward that behavior.

She understood what I was asking and she was kind about it. I don’t really know how she feels. I don’t know if she hates me or loves me, if she desperately wants to hear from me or desperately doesn’t. I can only imagine it’s like I feel. That I don’t know, and that thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. She told me that she’s “not ready” I don’t think that I am either, but when will we finally be ready? When we don’t care anymore? When it doesn’t matter?

I took Pixel, my dog, back over to my place for a few days. It was good to see my dog again, but once again it was a painful reminder of everything that’s going on. In this self destruction, in this dwelling in painful reminders; it’s dragged me to a halt. I’m not working out again, I texted Alessia and told her that I missed her. No reply, as usual.

Everytime I touch the past it hurts. I cried for the first time in weeks yesterday. It came hot and hard. The kind of pain you discover has been lying under the surface, that was just being ignored but was still very present.

Sometimes I think about forgiveness. Where does my patience end, my obligation? If she’s the one for me, truly the one, should I just extend the branch? Tell her that I’m still willing to try and to forgive her if she can forgive me? Will we ever have it back? Will we ever be friends. Sometimes I think I can’t stand to ever see her face again, other times I miss my wife.

Can you bounce back from something like this? Should you? Cheating and breaking up is one thing, scorching the earth and handling everything terribly and immaturely is another. I expected adult behavior yes. However I acted like a child in my depression and my cheating. I refused to see reality and to admit my own faults. We’re both guilty. I’m still guilty. I’m dating, fucking with lives and emotions. I’m dwelling on my old life, being depressed, not accomplishing anything. I feel like a fucking loser, so why judge her for being at a halt in her life, for doing stupid shit with stupid people?

My credit cards are maxed, I’m desperately trying to make money. I have to come up with 2000 dollars to pay for my new car engine in the next month and a half. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, and how far back it will set me. I can’t move, I can’t move forward. I’ve lost sight of this new life I was so eager to live.

Matlock has been around a lot more now that Vanessa left for Thailand but we’re both sad and unmotivated. I have so many people in my life that I care about and can’t see, it drives me to be isolated from the people I can see. I find myself in my room on Easter. Ignoring my family, ignoring my friends, watching TV. If a friend of mine told me that, I would think they were being self-pitying and pathetic.

Even Matlock wants to be productive but nothing sounds good. My meds keep me from sleeping all day and I find myself at a loss of what to do now with all this time. I need to work, to work out, and to be productive and have goals. I can’t seem to find the energy to do any of it. Wide awake, medicated, lax and stuck in molasses. Should I confront these feelings with Carrie, work through them with her? Without her? Or go back to just focusing on me. I don’t know. I simply don’t know the right answers.

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