There’s a Certain Loneliness

There’s a certain kind of loneliness. That comes at 2am. It wraps itself around my heart like a serpent and squeezes.  A sudden dipping panic, of reaching out in the night and feeling no one there. 

Times like these I miss her. I miss Alessia, I miss Carrie, I miss Bonnie.  I miss everyone that made the pain go away. That let this feeling stop. Some nights, I embrace solitude. Sitting alone. Thinking, not feeling judged or misunderstood. 

This is not one of those nights. I ache to feel someone next to me. Someone pressed against me who will be here in the morning. Someone who will wake up and smile at me. Glad to find me still here.  I don’t know that it’s Carrie anymore.  That it’s anyone really. I want to love. With wild abandon and free of guilt. To throw my heart into someone who deserves it and whom I deserve. I’ve only felt that once. In my whole life. I’m so scared that this is it. 

In 33 years I only loved her without reservation. I married her without blinking. I fucked it up. I fucked myself. I fucked someone else. Sex didn’t seem so important . I would have thought we had something much bigger. That this would be a sign, but not the end. I told myself that. 

The lies we tell ourselves we can carry through our whole lives. It becomes our religion. We take those lies on faith like old friends. She may never see what I want her to see. The truth. In some ways I’ll never see it either. 

I tell myself that I am better than this person that took my place. I tell myself that Carrie will wake up one day. That she will recognize what she threw away. She will be consumed with guilt and regret. The same guilt I have over throwing her away. 

She takes after her mother. Desperate to not be alone. Dying in denial, deeply vested in abuse. Maybe she will marry again. Maybe she deserves to be happy any way she can. Sometimes I envy her lies. They are her God. They tell her everything is justified. Everything is fine. That whatever is in front of her is what she needs. I envy that. That surety, and succor. 

I am miserable, unmotivated. I need to stop comparing myself to her. Measuring how I’m doing by her. 

I like Bonnie and I think she really wants to be with me.  I’m not sure she is long term for me. But to just like someone so simply. Love them even. I can’t let that be an escape. A way to hide from carrie. Or I’m not the better I person I imagine. So I keep my distance and love at arms length. 

When can I rest?  When can I just live again? Love again?  Finding solace in someone feels wrong. I’ve tried not to. God but I want to feel good again. The minute I can love someone else, when I can set down this burden. Set aside Carrie like so many girls from the past. I don’t want lies anymore. I want truth to be my new God. To worship it as cleanly as if it’s a church. It seems to come with loneliness though. Nights like this I can almost curl up against these words. Hold them instead of her and her and her. Safer, true. Sadder, true. But true.