Unsent Letters: Why We Are Not Friends

The other day I woke up. I woke up to a nightmare/dream where I was telling Carrie everything I wanted to tell her. That she’s living a lie, that she’s in denial, that this guy is poison and that I want her to rise above all this. I woke up crying, in pain. My face pinched, my throat tight and choking on tears that appeared like magic.

I immediately started writing a letter but resisted the urge to send it. There’s so many things I’ll never send and never get to send. Here’s another in the long list. An unsent letter.

This is what I would send to Carrie right now, if I thought she would hear me, if I thought it would do any good. It’s why we can’t be friends right now. Instead I just leave her alone. It’s all I can do.

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I haven’t contacted you because I’ve decided that it’s best that we don’t communicate. I wanted to be friends but I’ve realized that’s impossible. A real friend wouldn’t do this to a friend whether they were just a friend, let alone a husband and partner for ten years.

I was sick, depressed, codependant and so incredibly alone. When I broke down, got drunk and cheated on you. You lashed back out, in grief and spite. You slept with my friend. Except he’s also codependant and clingy. So instead of revenge you found a security blanket. I understand it, so does everyone else. It wasn’t what you intended.

Now you’ve had time. You know this hurts me, you must know on some level that this is incredibly codependant and short sighted. You can do a million times better than a jobless guy with no friends and no moral compass. He has cheated on everyone. Ask Sean, ask Brendan, ask Matlock, they’ve seen him do it. Ask Julie Hartley, ask Shellie King, ask Rosie, Ask Cori Cablk.

If you pursue this you’re signing up for a life I never wanted to see you live. In a situation like your mom with a man we all know to be wretched, but who let’s you treat him any way you want and is too codependant to leave. Like your dad and grandma clinging stubbornly to each other. If there’s one lesson I can learn from them is that codependant life is not happiness and it can last way too long.

If you grab the first guy to come along under shady circumstances whose only friends are either gone or have no respect for him. You’re doing yourself a disservice. You’re picking someone that you think you deserve. Because on some level you hate yourself a bit too. But I hope that someday you come to love yourself like I loved you. I think you deserve a great life, an equal partner and dignity and success. If you withhold that from yourself, you’re only hurting yourself.

I can’t be friends with someone who keeps hurting me. I can’t be friends with someone who – in my opinion – is acting with no self respect. I personally think that I’m a good person, a great friend, and that you would be better served by having me as a true friend than this fake boyfriend any day of the week. We aren’t together anymore and that pains me. I would love to be your friend and have you in my life. I need my friends to be healthy, to truly care about my feelings without assuming that they are just biased.  My advice? Be alone. Be single. Do what scares you. Until you really find out what it means to love yourself and not need anyone else, you will be heading down the same road that every family member taught you to follow.

I don’t say any of this to hurt you. It’s to let you know why I won’t be around. With clarity. You are hurting yourself with your behavior and I am powerless to stop it. I can’t, as your friend, sit around and watch it happen. I will always be here if you need me. And if you ever have that wake up call, I hope it’s sooner than later. I hope you find your own low point and start working up. I fear it won’t be until JJ cheats on you or you have a kid and you’re trapped in that life forever, that you realize that you’re worth so much more than this.

You deserve someone better than me, I’m willing to admit that. So ask yourself if you’ve made a better choice. Or just the first one that presented itself. If you need something, let me know. If you need a friend I will always be here and I will always care. I will never abandon you. But while you’re still doing this I cannot be your friend.

I wish you the best. I am always ready to help when you are really ready to heal.

Adam

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