A Superhero With No Crisis

I’m not quite sure how to feel or what to do without something looming over me. Something pulling my emotions one way or another.

Last I heard, Carrie finally ended things. Karly, her best friend and one person that I can honestly say has tried to be neutral and supportive. Even acknowledging Carrie’s behavior as unhealthy but allowing her to heal in her own way. Karly has been a pretty good voice of reason in all this. We’re not close and I don’t think she’s on my side or anything but I respect her fairness and maturity in this.

Karly sat Carrie down and told her, this is over. This is done. You needed a crutch, you needed an emotional vortex to get you through this. The time has passed, the ship has sailed. This guy is unhealthy, he’s delusional and he’s not worth your time. It’s time to put away your crutch it’s time to move on.

I think maybe her fair-mindedness played a role in being taken seriously (a lesson is to be learned there too I think). As far as I know, Carrie listened. Ended things with JJ. It felt like taking a rock off my chest. I didn’t jump for joy, I still have reservations about her ability to stick it out. After all this is something like round 5 of trying to stop doing this to herself. So with a gigantic grain of salt, I breathe, with trepidation, a sigh of relief.

Shortly afterward she sent me her audio recording that basically made no sense. I’m still waiting for the divorce paperwork. It’s been long enough now that I think I have to ask for it before the deadline just runs out and makes me in the wrong here. None of this changes the fact, the inevitable conclusion of this downward spiral.

We’ll still get divorced, we’ll still not talk. I just hope that at least now I can pretend in my own mind that she’s moving upward, onward. That she’s doing what she should have done a year ago. Which is to stand on her own two feet. I don’t know, she could end up with some other guy tomorrow. She could go right back to this relationship. I just know that it feels easier now. I feel more ready to move on. I know it shouldn’t hinge on what she does or doesn’t do. I just couldn’t help but hold my breath and hear about mistake after mistake. Hoping and praying that one day I’d hear what I’ve always wanted to hear.

I ended up getting a loan to float me for a few more months, and I’m working frantically for both current projects and a new job. At least the pressure is off, I have some time again. I’m trying not to rest on that and live cheap, and live with intention. To not waste another opportunity to turn things around.

I got a letter back from Alessia the other day. Ticking yet another box in my bucket list. I wondered for months if we would ever talk again. She is upbeat, happier, she told me about some new therapy she’s trying that seems to be helping a lot. I think she’ll be going to college in Santa Monica. We’re supposed to have coffee tomorrow while she picks up a few things on her way to a musical event up north.

It’s another rock off my chest. The list of people who hate me, despise me, want nothing to do with me is dwindling. I saw Ben the other day at a party I just ignored him. It’s still uncomfortable. He failed me as a friend and the last conversation we had was pretty fucked up. He told me that maybe I deserved everything that happened to me, that maybe he didn’t have time to be my friend. Then he shoved me and stormed off. It put a pin in things pretty neatly. He bought into Tia’s irrational anger, lock stock and barrel. I know he doesn’t really want me to suffer, but he’s willing to let me so that he doesn’t make waves with his girl. That seems like cowardice, and it makes me not want him as a friend.

It feels like a chapter is winding to a close. I can’t help but look around, wondering where the next crisis is. Wondering what will blow up in my face next. I know Bonni has some serious feelings for me, and I feel guilty that I don’t seem to have the same passion back. My therapist told me that it’s okay to be conflicted, to not be focused 100 percent on one person. That we’re allowed to be imperfect people, with emotional conflicts.

I remember I told my therapist something that rang in my own ears. I said that when I started things up with Carrie, I still thought about my ex Aubree, but there was no doubt that Carrie was a good person, a beautiful person. There was no guilt in wooing her because it felt right. It felt like someone I had always wanted dropped out of the sky and that’s all that mattered. It took up 99 percent of my world and I let it with wild abandon. Now, I wonder if I’ll ever have that again. If I’ll ever risk like that again. If I’ll ever love like that again.

There’s one thing I can say for my love, it’s that I’ve never doubted it.  I loved Aubree, I loved Carrie, I loved Alessia, flawed and tragic as it all played out. I can’t look back and see anything but love, and I don’t feel ashamed by it. I loved them. It happened and it really meant something. Even if it didn’t work out.

Now with Bonni and dating in general, I feel guarded. Like there’s armor around my heart. That I can’t just love anymore. All I can do is make calculated guesses, assess risk and constantly be looking at the exit sign. Because I can’t get hurt like that again. I just couldn’t take it. I really couldn’t.

Sometimes i feel that all you can be is who you are. Someone can take or leave that and it’s their decision. Other times I feel that anyone that loves me, deserves better. Deserves someone who can just love back. When this all heals will it leave scar tissue on my heart? Will I ever be the same again? Able to just lose myself in passion and the moment? Without thinking about how it could all go horribly wrong. Maybe that’s what’s missing. A sense of reality, a loss of the fantasy that is adolescent love. The willingness to see the bad and the possibility of failure is maybe what’s missing in my adult life.  It feels like growing up, but it feels like losing something vital.

I need to get back on track, lose weight again. I’m better and I’m stable but it’s not great and I’m not making progress. I need a job and money and I need some self discipline. I think maybe now I can start to find it, start to move onward and upward like I hope Carrie will. I’ve come a long way, and I hope that counts for something. Putting bricks into the base of the new me.