Hollow Days Stuffed with Time

Hollow. I think that describes how I feel. I finally calmed down from the contact I had with Carrie. A few days helped me to cool down. I wish I hadn’t said anything. It’s been so long I’m forgetting the lessons that took so much to learn.

Don’t just talk, don’t just fire off what’s on the tip of your tongue. I sent Carrie a text a few days later. I just told her I’m sorry for my behavior. That I’m having a rough time emotionally and I appreciate the work she has put in on the divorce paperwork. Short, sweet, to the point.

Later Colter told me that she had dumped JJ (for the fifth? time) but it didn’t seem to be sticking. Brendan clarified later by saying that she dumped him right before she went on a trip and he begged her to hold off and re-consider. I hope she talks with Eleanor on her trip. I hope she sees this for the train wreck it is. I’m tired of going up and down on this roller coaster. I wish she would do what’s best for her. I stay away from it and I do a good job most of the time.

When we’re forced to have contact it’s when a lot of this rears it’s head and suddenly seems important again. I’ve tried to focus on my own life and my own problems. I think about Bonnie and work, and my myriad of problems. Today felt very gray. I went out with Joe to the railroad revival festival in Petaluma. It was incredibly hot, I’ve forgotten what a really hot sunny day feels like. I don’t get out as much as I should. I left after about an hour.

Later Brendan invited me out to the bar. I don’t drink anymore but I still go out now and again. I drink club soda and watch perfectly sober while the people around me get sloppy, slurred and silly. I stand up at the end of the night and walk to my car with confidence and just drive home. It feels hollow. I don’t think it would be better with booze or anything. I just think that the same things don’t entertain me anymore. When you’re not part of the fun, you feel separate, apart, distant.

My finances are a mess. I’m drowning in debt and not enough work. I finally have been kicking it into gear and I have a few leads on projects but still not on a steady job. I was forced to take out a small loan just to stay afloat. My goal is to just pay off my car and stay afloat a few more months. Then when i own the car outright, if I decide I have to declare bankruptcy or do debt consolidation it won’t be a factor. With everything I went through for the damn car I want to make absolutely sure I don’t lose it.

I’ll be alive for a few more months. I need to keep hitting the job hunt as hard as I can. God the minute I have a job that just pays and works, I will breathe the biggest sigh of relief. I think it will be good for me. Get me out on a regular basis. I’m trying to focus on me. ¬†Not worrying about dating, not worrying about Carrie and the mess she’s made of her life. I will sign the paperwork when she gets back and go right on living my life.

My anxiety is a bit unwieldy. Every time I change my medication it provides a long slow build in anxiety. Until I feel constantly like something is wrong or missing. I’m trying to just adjust to the fact that it’s the meds, not me. I finally did my first run with a fire staff, I was talked into it and I did spin fire for a solid 5 minutes. It was thrilling and exciting, it was a victory that I desperately needed. I cling to it. One thing I stuck with for months and months, and finally had it pay off. I’m focusing on the victories, on the good things, and on my own wellbeing. Let’s stick with that.