The Light at the End of the Tunnel is Sometimes a Train

These last few days have been hectic, stressed. I go back and read over what I’ve written via text and email to Carrie. I feel a bit ashamed. Sometimes I think about hurting her feelings, hurting her back, so she suffers like I do.

Then I stop and breathe and realize that she’s hurting too, if anything she’s trapped in something of her own devising that she’ll eventually regret. She’s probably smart enough to know it on some level as well.

The anger I’ve been consumed by is just a phase, but it’s the one I’m in. I’ve been very careful to not contact her, because I knew the rage would pour forth. That I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from saying what I’ve wanted to say every day for months. If I could tell you the amount of times I wrote a letter to nobody, or slept on it, or didn’t send ‘that’ text. The conversations I’ve had in my head with her that end with her weeping at my feet.

That’s not me, and I don’t want that on a real level. When she contacted me it was bad timing. My therapist from Kaiser just left for maternity leave for 6 months,  my regular weekly therapist just went on vacation for 2 weeks. My regular supports were missing when suddenly I was hit with all this reality. This divorce. That’s finally happening.

If I had been in a better place, or had time to breathe or think. I would have thanked her, for doing the hard part, for saving me from having to immerse myself in it. I can just sign a few forms. Try not to think about it.

I gave her everything, all our wedding gifts, our belongings, our dishes, our stuff, the tv, the bed, the computer. I just walked away from it all. I keep my life more simple now and more portable, looking forward to a fresh start elsewhere.

Right now I’m worried about myself, my finances, my survival. I had to explain to my sister Rachel today what kind of relationship Bonnie and I have today. She was confused – because we both still date other people on occasion.  I was just honest. I said we both have trust issues and fear of commitment from long-term relationship burnout and we keeps things casual on purpose to not have the stress of wondering where everything is heading.

That might change in a week or a year, right now I think we both see it as ‘one less problem to worry about’ for the time being. It leaves me feeling independent, mobile, healthier.

I’m trying to prioritize right now and that’s to make some money and keep afloat. Bam, that’s it. Life’s no longer so complicated. Things are the way they are, I have to keep telling myself that. Wishing and wanting doesn’t help. Actions and understanding does help. Soon I’ll have no reason to talk to her again, soon I can throw my hands up and say well whatever happens, it’s just on me now. I think I’ve delayed this day because it’s like saying goodbye. I waited so long it’s more like good-riddance. Which isn’t how I hoped things would be. Another in a long list of lessons. Pull off the band-aid, get it done, be decisive and deal with the consequences. Life seems to flow better that way.

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