These Broken Fingers on an Un-tuned Piano

I was blindsided by texts today and finding out the divorce paperwork is filed, whether i’m ready or not. It’s been a long time, I think it will be good to have it done, and not have a reason to talk anymore. Every instance is agony. One less reason for contact. After this ( 2 weeks? ) and car insurance, we will owe nothing to each other and she can go on with her life.

I tried to calm down and write in a letter. I re-read it a dozen times to see if it’s what i wanted to say. I think it is. I realize how futile it is and how it doesn’t help. But I also realize how it helps me to see and to be heard if even for a moment. So I don’t go, quite so silently, into the night. Someday soon we’ll close this book for good. I both dread it and find immense comfort in it.

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From what I can see online, “Married File Separately” removes you from tax obligation on anything I owe. You’ve already done that. So you’re off the hook. As for this next year, I’m sure the paperwork will be done by then. There’s no reason this should take an exceptional amount of time, and most reports with no-contest are 30 days.

Yes this is very difficult and because we don’t talk, a lot of things I’d like to say (or would not like to say) come spilling out via text, or in person. It’s best (for both of us) for the two of us to put some thought in and send a clear email with any requests and that’s all I ask. I am not fighting you and this doesn’t need to be a hassle for either of us more than it already is.

I’ve said it in the midst of so much other stuff, but I would have liked to be friends, I would have liked us both to have some closure and to be moved on by now. What you did was backlash, it was a rebound, and it was unhealthy. You can tell me or anyone in the whole world anything you want, but it wasn’t a good idea, and sticking with it isn’t making it a good idea. I don’t expect you to do anything I say. I’m worried that even expressing this might make you cling all the harder. But if you ever believed me that I  want the best for you. You can do much better. Better than me, better than him. Also being single is what helps you really heal and cope, you’ve only done that in between fits of codependent behavior for weeks at a time. That lonely space where there’s nobody waiting in the wings is important. It lets you see who YOU are, not who you need.

Sometimes, when I was at my worst, depressed, unhappy, drinking, and feeling trapped by life. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I couldn’t see outside my own little bubble. I had to work out, I had to change things, I had to go to therapy, all that seems obvious now in hindsight. At the time my denial made it seem like there was no way out, no solution and that it just never would get any better. I want you to heal and to be better, I worry that this behavior will put you in the same situation as your mother, your dad, your grandma, trapped in a codependant situation that’s horrible but feeling like that’s all you deserve. From me to you, you deserve better than this, better than you’re giving yourself credit for.

You work hard, you’re pretty and you’re smart. You don’t need a guy who cheated on you, and you don’t need a clingy codependent guy who’s cheated on everyone else either. Pretty soon I will move away, I’m still trying but I will soon. By that time we’ll be completely divorced and we will have no reason to talk ever again. I don’t want to think about you and us with disdain and shame. I want to think that we could both be adults in this. When I fucked up, I did my absolute best to show remorse, to show change, and to show that this would never happen again. I did that for me, even if you never came back. Because I wanted to be proud of myself again.

I just want that for you, to be proud of yourself, to know that you deserve to be happy. I don’t expect that after reading this you’ll run off to dump JJ and live a life of wonder and joy. But someday, his failures will rear their head, his lies will play out. I know him, I’ve known him since we were 5 and even if I didn’t I know him, this situation is flat out unhealthy and that nobody looking in, nobody objective sees it as a healthy decision. Don’t live in a situation you’re not proud of, even if it seems like the only option. There’s always another option and I was too blind to see that. I would hate for you to have to hit the bottom that I did to see it too. I don’t want our life back, or you back, I hope that if you are single for a while that we could find our friendship. But maybe if I walk away and leave you alone, you’ll realize that I’m not pushing for this for me – I’m pushing for it because it feels like you punishing yourself and damaging yourself and I can’t help but feel responsible.

I’ve wanted for many months to simply forgive you and I will try my best to do that. I’ve had to figure out everything by myself, how to get closure, how to heal, how to deal with anger. I’ll figure out how to forgive you even if we never talk again. I don’t want fear and hate in my heart anymore. Just an email won’t wake you up from this funk, but you do need to wake up. Your friends and your family want better for you as well, and if you ask and really listen, they will tell you too. You’re pushing them all away because they don’t support what you’re doing, they can’t, just like I can’t, because it’s nothing something we should support or encourage. It’s not healthy.

Someday, you’ll have a realization, just like I did. I hoped that when my life changed in an instant that yours did too, but you went right on doing the same things. Staying in something unhappy and unhealthy because it’s easier than being alone. I hope when you’re healthier and feel like the world isn’t caving in on you, that we can be friends again someday. Right now there’s something in the way, but it doesn’t have to be. We could be friends, adults, and be productive with each others feelings. I just am not capable of seeing truth when I feel like you’re still hurting me and yourself. Though you think that it has nothing to do with that, I can’t believe that it’s worth it. I would rather have you in my life than date ‘some chick’ – I would rather us be able to recover more than I need someone else.

I wish you the best, please let me know how to proceed with getting the info I need about a no-income option. When Brendan is back you can let me know and I will pick up the papers from him, you didn’t need to ask anyone but me. I would have made it work instead of putting you through the effort and pain of asking your friends to do it. We don’t need Karly or Rachel, for legal reasons it seems we need Brendan but that’s it. It doesn’t have to be a big process. Just another step forward.

Try and enjoy your life and not just survive it.

Adam

PS: for this letter there’s a dozen I don’t send, I imagine it’s like that for you too, you can write back with your feelings if you want to unload them. Express your anger and your hurt, which I’m guessing must still be there. If you bothered to read this, I’ll read yours as well. Then we can just go on with our lives again.

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