Unsent Letters: Let it Flow Through You

Carrie sent me a letter back, after my last kind of rant. She didn’t address anything I said. She did send an audio recording. It was broken, nonsensical, rambling. It was 20 minutes of not being able to commit to anything, not taking any real blame or even placing it.

It was careful, but it wasn’t honest. I think she must think there’s some truth in it, but it sounds like someone who is still afraid of judgement. Someone who hasn’t figured out why they’re doing what they’re doing. I think she meant it to give me some sense of closure, and it did, but in a totally different way. I can see her now for this sad broken person that she has become.

When I listened to her recording, the flip-flopping, the lack of conviction, the utter confusion and sense of being lost; I felt angry. I know I feel that a lot lately. I wrote back a letter in anger. I did not send it. I remember very keenly the sense of firing back a knee jerk reaction when she texted. So I never sent it; but for you dear reader, for you – here’s what i wrote.

Let’s be clear, this is me venting a lot of anger I’ve kept for months. I didn’t send this, I don’t want to hurt her. I just wanted to get it all out even if it’s angry loathing, it had to come out somewhere. Privately and here is best.

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I appreciate you taking the time to make the recording and to send it. What I got from it was I think what you intended to say. However it’s very difficult to focus on any one thing.

I think you want to make my choice for me, you can’t. You definitely can make your own. But telling me where I’ll end up, what I’ll want, and how we wouldn’t work due to some nebulous future is what you tell yourself to justify your actions. You want out. I can understand that. You don’t want to try, I can understand that. You’re giving up and moving on.

Don’t put it on me. I wanted to work it out. I wanted to be a better person and to get our goals in sync. I know I did wrong, I know we were out of sync. I know things were bad. I get it. But my choice? My end of it? I wanted it to work. I love you without a filter, without telling you what what will or won’t let me love you. You can tell yourself that you’re doing this for me, that you’re setting me free, that somehow this is all for my good. But it’s not, it’s for you and what you want, that’s okay.

You don’t seem to have a firm grasp on what your reasons are. Listening to your message it seems like there’s a lot you want to say, but can’t. Like there’s a lot you’d like to include, but just edited yourself out. I know there’s anger in you, and I know there’s pain. I know you checked out from life, just like I did. But I’ve been trying to get it back since day one. I’ve been doing everything since day one. I’m not perfect, far from it. But I’ve been on the path to this making sense, and knowing how I feel for a long time.

I believe, firmly and with my whole heart, that what you did was selfish, childish, and born completely out of hurt. I know that what I did was the same thing. We could have forgiven each other. Even if we didn’t want to make it work. We could have declared the war ended. But you avoided life, avoided therapy, avoided meds, and escaped into a person. That’s a sick thing to do, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy because what you did is using someone and letting their feelings be real while yours in couched in needs and issues that have nothing to do with them. I’m glad you started going to therapy, I’m glad you started taking meds. But I want you to realize, NEED you to realize that I’ve been doing that for 10 months. I’ve figured out a lot, about who I am, about what went wrong, and why I did what I did. You still have no idea.

You can’t admit to yourself that you were just hurt and selfish, so you’ve dragged something that should have been a 2 week revenge kick into a year of unhealthy behavior. You can’t see the forest for the trees. Which is that you’re acting like you want the world to believe that you’re being genuine, that you’re ‘healing’ and being a good person. When you’re acting like an immature high-schooler who just wants to be taken care of, and to hurt back the person that hurt them.

I wanted a life with another adult, and maybe I’ve realized that my actions show that I’m definitely not there yet. But yours show that you’re not even heading that direction. Your message is unraveled, almost nonsensical. It’s that way because you haven’t figured it out yet. You don’t know or understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. So you’re blaming me and telling yourself somehow that you’re doing me a favor and it’s for my own good.

I’ve told you time and again, that I would have liked to be friends. If you want to know what I think? It’s that all the unspoken things we’ve both wanted to say for a year, should have been spoken. It should have been in therapy, it should have been communication. Even if that’s hard. But you found a security blanket, and to trick yourself into thinking it’s not, you’ve managed to grow in a half dozen other areas that aren’t relationships. While you rebound and use someone and spend your time on someone who is basically despicable. You apply that despicable person to yourself. You make it seem to everyone that you don’t think you deserve any better.

I think you do, and I think when you finally realize that you do that you will realize that none of this is genuine, none of this is healthy and therefore, none of the hundreds of conclusions you’ve drawn can be trusted. You’ll be back at square one, because you were scared, frightened, alone. I know you’re a good person, and I know you’re smart enough to someday see this for what it is. The selfish actions of someone who doesn’t want to grow up. You will anyway, you’ll be forced to by life. But you’ve managed to dodge this bullet and I feel sorry for you. I feel nothing but pity that you think you’ve found enlightenment while you roll around in immaturity and selfishness.

I’m off the grid, I’m done. You’ll have the divorce. At this point it feels like cutting off something that I’d be better off without. If it felt like I was losing something real, like I was removing someone from me that could have made me better. It would be a lot harder. But you’ve acted like someone who doesn’t deserve self-respect, and against all my better wishes, it’s made me not respect you. I could respect you again, I hope. But I don’t right now.

Your message lacked substance, it didn’t address what you did at all. It didn’t address your own failures except to say you wish you could have loved me better. I wish the same thing. I wish I had never hurt you. I wish I could have made all these changes with you by my side. But until you own what you did, what you’re doing and what it really says about you. You won’t have any real growth. You’ll have the illusion of growth that pain has given you. You’ve made this 100 times harder on yourself by hiding from the truth, and not letting yourself see it. I really do feel sorry for you. Because I will always care, and always love you. I just can’t stand who you proved yourself to be, and until you change that in a big way, I’m suddenly the more healthy one. I’m suddenly the one who is moving on and still doing things right.

I know that what I feel is true, and real. Why? Because I was alone, for months, with no support, no love, no warm body. It let me really see me and who I am. It let me see my faults with no filter. Because I analyze every feeling I have with doubts, am I happy, am I sad? Is this real growth? I’ve never gotten that doubt from you. You’ve told yourself that what you’re doing is fine. Even though every friend and sibling you have around you will tell you in an instant how you could be doing things better and healthier, you’ve convinced yourself they approve, because they can see you’re in denial too. They see that you hurt and so none of them want to hurt you anymore. But they’re not doing you any favors. Letting you stumble around and believe you’re getting better when you’re making yourself worse.

Stop it, stop being codependent. Stop talking to me or thinking about me, and start thinking about yourself. I can’t imagine there’s any way you could be proud of how you handled this, and I wish you could be. Maybe someday you’ll face it and finally see the truth. That you are just a flawed human, like the rest of us. That none of us knew what to do or how to handle things. Telling yourself that you have it figured out is where the denial comes in. We believed so much of the same things, and to listen to you now, stumbling and unable to see simple truth. It hurts, and it makes me want to help you. But I can’t. Only you can. I suggest you start soon. On something real, because what you’ve done so far is a sick joke.

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