In Honor of the Worst Case Scenario

The other day during therapy my therapist asked me to do that exercise where you sit down and talk to an empty chair. Where you say what you would like to say to the person in question. I know on a deep level that I simply would not have engaged in this exercise if I were how I used to be. I sensed a moment, where normally I wouldn’t have embraced it, would have been afraid of embarrassing myself, to be that vulnerable. Instead I shrugged, sat down and did this incredibly powerful, uncomfortable thing. The things I said came out well, honest, genuine. The words themselves don’t matter.

After multiple talks, my therapists advice was to be prepared for any outcome before I communicate. So having felt the overpowering urge to communicate in some fashion I’ve tried to foresee every possible outcome, and then to dismiss and let it all go. To have no expectations. The more time I have the more I see where I’m not really ready. I asked Carrie to talk. I have no idea where that’s to go and I am trying not to build any expectations. I’m focused so hard on having no expectations that I haven’t really stopped to think about the bad ones.

I’m afraid to I suppose. So I’m writing it out here, to let the worst expectations come to fruition. So that I can be prepared for any outcome, and the communication will be actually useful.

What are the worst case scenarios? Well that she’s back to dating JJ I suppose. I don’t think that’s impossible. That she doesn’t want to talk to me, or that there’s nothing left to say. That the distance between us is so big now that we have no common ground to tread on.

That I’m too angry, that I can’t simply let go of the hurt and what will come out is angry hurt comments. That’s possible too and I’ve thought about it a lot. Part of me has conditions, rules, boundaries. The feeling that I need her to own up to her part in this, both in the breakup and the shitty aftermath. That I was hurt and devastated for months and months while she took the easy route out of depression and hurt.

I don’t feel terribly angry, and I hope she’s not dating anyone, because she could really stand to be single for a while. A long while to be honest. I’ve felt sometimes that I would cast aside everything to give things another chance, and other times that there’s nothing she could do to make me try again. Maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle. I’m not willing to give up my life, what I’m doing and what I’ve learned to be with her.

Ultimately a lot of this assumes that she wants to be with me. Worst case scenario is no scenario at all. Either she’s still unhealthy and in a fog and there’s no ground to be gained, or her feelings are gone, the love we shared just a memory. Or worse yet, that she’s clear-headed, doing great without me, and I have no place in this. Not as a friend, not as anything. It’s not up to me to fix her or do anything for her. I wish and hope for an equal, someone who has learned some very deep and hard lessons. To at least compare notes, be friends, maybe something more.

Worst case scenario? Nothing changes. It’s back to silence, and I keep trying to move south and move on. I’m hoping that isn’t the case. But really the “worst” case scenario? Is that nothing happens. So I’d rather have something happen. I’m taking a chance to communicate. We’re supposed to talk tomorrow and I’ll see what happens. I hope to smile, to laugh a little, it’s been too long since we’ve had any of that together. I’ll try.